Our Olympic Rule Changes
The London Olympics are fast approaching, and if the IOC want my eyeballs aimed at the screen (do they have other goals?), Mac Millings looks at the rules that are going to need changing.
With UFC on the rise, it’s time for boxing to get back to basics. All fighters should be naked and oiled-up, as the Ancient Greeks intended. You’re a homoerotic sport, Boxing. Act like one.
You can trace the history of Track and Field sports back to Ancient Greek military training techniques. But while you might, in war, have to run very fast over a short distance, or quite fast over a long distance, or fight hand-to-hand, you never (in my lengthy experience) have to run around in ovals doing nothing but jump over fences onto dry land or into puddles.
My IOC sources tell me that the best solution – mines in the water and cheese wire above the fences – is looking increasingly unlikely, so instead it needs to be dropped completely. My advice? Just call it what it is: The Obstacle Race. If the participants haven’t left their balls on one of the hurdles, they’ll man up and pack it in quicker than they can say “Is that an egg on that spoon, or one of my steroid-mutated testicles?”
Throwing a wobbly spear as far as you can is easy. Unless you are him. Or her. But, as this woman demonstrates, catching one is a lot harder. You want an Olympic medal? You’re going to have to earn it.
Introduce a handicap system. In the era of Reality TV, which has democratized stardom to such an extent that my screen is now filled with the kind of people I used to run indoors and turn on the box to avoid, why shouldn’t we have ordinary people competing on the track with traditional “athletes”? The Olympics should jump on this, an organization which is all about everyone getting a chance to take part – they let Eddie the Eagle and Eric the Eel compete, for fuck’s sake, men who were more likely to die by broken neck/drowning than win gold.
Tyson Gay – tied to cartoon anvil
Usain Bolt – tied to Tyson Gay
10 year old from the 80s – May use Chopper Bike
Heather Graham – Roller skates
Bookish Nerd – Star Trek transporter/Cloak of Invisibility
Average Fat Bloke – Jet Pack
Northern Fat Bloke – Rocket pack
American Fat Bloke – Technology unavailable
Golf (reinstated for the 2016 Games):
Players to run between shots and hit a moving ball, while having their picture taken and being verbally abused. You know, like in a real sport.