Soft Sports

In 2008, much attention was focused on the so-called ‘Soft Sports’ – those played by few countries, and which, theoretically, could easily come to be dominated by wealthy nations willing to invest time and money. Here are the as yet are Mac Millings’ untapped Soft Sports that will grab the headlines during London 2012, along with the nations looking to strike gold.

Pub Games:

Instated purely to drive the London crowds, expect Britain to fail miserably at those that require actual sporting prowess (darts, pool, dominoes), but to pick up an armful of medals at their specialist events:

• Drunken Pontificating
• “Do You Want To Take This Outside?”
• Throwing Up On That Really Cute Girl You Only Just Met

Insouciance:

France is a huge favourite to win all three individual medals as well as team gold, but look for Bulgaria to challenge if they can persuade Dimitar Berbatov to switch from football.

Self-Loathing:

What should be a packed field (because we’re all human and therefore despicable) is actually just a two-horse race between the British, who (in a move of exquisitely appropriate self-defeating optimism) fancy themselves favourites going in, and the Russians, who would rather be drinking a bottle of Pain Inflicter at the Despair Café. I wonder how they’ll celebrate.  (Update: Event cancelled after every competing nation pulled out, claiming that “we weren’t going to win anyway.”)

Inventing ‘Major’ Sports Similar to Our Sports but that No One Else Plays:

No longer able to dominate the sports it invented that are similar to our sports but that no one else plays, expect the US nevertheless to continue to excel at inventing those sports. Its latest nailed-on winner? Kicking Game, which is exactly like our Football, but with the following changes:

• Substitutions allowed at any time, for any reason (except injury)
• Unlimited mandatory annoyingly unnecessary stoppages
• All tackles are fouls, other than those resulting in paralysis
• No kicking

Seasonal Affective Disorder:

Naturally, the Russians, Finns, Swedes and Norwegians expect to fight over the medals. The smart money, however, is on the Chinese who, rumour has it, kidnapped fifteen 6 year olds back in ‘02 and have had them locked in a cold, dark room ever since.

Alcoholism:

For results, see “Self-Loathing”.

The Post-Modern Pentathlon:

It’s been said before, but there’s nothing modern about the Modern Pentathlon, with its pistol shooting, show jumping and épée fencing. London 2012 will see the updated version, featuring five era-appropriate events: Apathy; Unprovoked Violence; Making Eye Contact; Schadenfreude; Passive Aggression.

By Mac Millings