How to get on the OBO/MBM
You know the old phrase: “Just be yourself.” Now take a long, hard look in the mirror and tell me with a straight face that this applies to you. I understand that you may balk at using a pseudonym to begin with. After all, what sort of an excuse for a man is too afraid to write under his own name? But face facts. Since you were a child, you’ve dreamed of being someone else, and with good reason. Now is your chance. You could be Raúl. Rafa Benitez. Rafa Benitez’s kidney stones having an argument with Rafa Benitez. The world is only restricted by your imagination. Ah. Let’s move on.
Flatter Your Host
An MBM is like a party (it isn’t, but bear with me), and you want to treat your MBM provider as you would a party host. Because trashing the place might be difficult to achieve (although I have no objections to you trashing your own place. Quite what your mother will think of you defacing her dingy basement is, of course, another matter), this means you must use flattery.
Naturally, despite the obvious absurdity, starting your missive with a phrase like “You’re the handsomest Guardian employee by far” never fails. But if you are more ambitious, you’ll find that you have to treat each recipient of your praise on a case-by-case basis. Your 20-to-30-something, single white male MBM writers, you see, are a diverse bunch, and each needs his own specialized treatment. They all, for example, have their own prose style and world view. Incorporate toadying imitation of these in your emails, and you’re well on the way to attaining a dream the achievement of which, I can tell you from experience, is a lot less satisfying that you can possibly imagine.
Here are examples of what you might send to three prominent MBMers:
To Scott Murray: “The ball was traveling at speeds of up to 0.0000001 mph before taking a comedy bobble and hitting the goalkeeper right on the end of his tig, rebounding to Steven Gerrard, who lashed it into Row Z of the Moon’s new Gravito-Ball stadium. Patented Guardian Steven Gerrard Flay-o-Meter: F.
(Disclaimer: This applies only to the Scott Murray Steven Gerrard of more than two years ago, when he was still actually trying).
Barry Glendenning will not publish your emails, ever. (Please note, for “your”, read “my”.) Try quoting “Seinfeld”, or writing something anti-American. See if you can fit both into the same email. Otherwise, make sure your missive allows him to disdain you. This will be easy for both of you.
Rob Smyth: “Dear Rob, I hate myself, I avoid contact with the opposite sex/everyone, I am afraid of answering the telephone/the door/simple questions. Balding, rotund, and with a bat’s idea of eye contact, in order to face the world I am forced to drink large amounts of Liver Compromiser /Artificial Fortitude Provider/Self-Reflection Inhibiter/Personality Suppressant. Form an orderly one, ladies.”
Or just send him a fucking shopping list.
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Broad drives England recovery after India seamers thrive | All around News:
July 29th, 2011 at 9:55 pm
[...] has a third kid on the way. I know, thrice. Millings has also written a helpful guide about to getting on an OBO or an MBM, should you be sufficiently sad so [...]
philip:
July 30th, 2011 at 10:36 am
Paul Doyle is an alright MBM dude. I once had a dream where he was a huge black guy, really athletic, a kind of Yaya Toure
F. J. Gadsby:
July 30th, 2011 at 8:05 pm
Disclaimer: not all puns work. I tested that limit with my Broad pun today.
saffia rawat:
July 31st, 2011 at 2:13 pm
Really spooky – have been trying to get an OBO comment published, then this article appears!
A Handy Transfer Guide | Surreal Football:
July 31st, 2011 at 9:10 pm
[...] Other stuff: How to get Rob Smyth/Scott Murray and Barry on the OBO/MBM [...]
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Manchester United Magazine – Manchester City v Manchester United:
August 7th, 2011 at 6:15 pm
[...] And here’s Mac Millings’s handy guide to getting your email published on an MBM. [...]
Inside United Magazine – Manchester City v Manchester United:
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[...] And here’s Mac Millings’s handy guide to getting your email published on an MBM. [...]
Man Utd Magazine – Manchester City v Manchester United:
August 14th, 2011 at 8:09 am
[...] And here’s Mac Millings’s handy guide to getting your email published on an MBM. [...]
millings:
August 15th, 2011 at 9:32 pm
I emailed Glendenning on the MBM with a link to this. Of course, he didn’t publish it. See? I provide you with FACTS.
Chelsea 1-1 Liverpool | SportForArabs.com:
November 11th, 2012 at 6:40 pm
[...] min: Here we go again. Neither side has made any substitutions. “Is SB Tang trying to become the new Gary Naylor?” Fraser Thomas wonders. “A Google search reveals: Gary Naylor + Guardian = 459,000 [...]
Chelsea v Liverpool – as it happened | Jacob Steinberg » Breaking News | Latest News Headlines | Top Stories:
November 11th, 2012 at 10:32 pm
[...] min: Here we go again. Neither side has made any substitutions. “Is SB Tang trying to become the new Gary Naylor?” Fraser Thomas wonders. “A Google search reveals: Gary Naylor + Guardian = 459,000 [...]
Chelsea v Liverpool - as it happened | Jacob Steinberg « News in Briefs:
November 12th, 2012 at 5:59 am
[...] min: Here we go again. Neither side has made any substitutions. “Is SB Tang trying to become the new Gary Naylor?” Fraser Thomas wonders. “A Google search reveals: Gary Naylor + Guardian = 459,000 [...]
baidu censor:
May 16th, 2013 at 10:14 pm
baidu censor…
Other countries censor content and not just rogue regimes such as the Iranian mullocracy. Poor people! http://www.baidu.com...
google:
May 27th, 2013 at 1:12 am
google…
Google http://www.google.com...