The Surreal Football-approved greatest XI of all-time
Other people don’t know football like we know it, readers. That’s probably why you’re here. But it’s OK, we get it. We get that football has become a cesspit of men who are, as footballers, very talented at having a good first-touch and passing the ball well, the two things which all aspects of the game have been boiled down to by St. Pep’s decree. But as men, are they really fit to stand out on the pitch that was once home to the true greats – real men, or animals, like these – we think not. We understand football isn’t really about being good at football, it’s entertainment – and not only that, but that violence, rage, kicking people, thumping referees – that’s all great fun too. We don’t listen to people who tell us it’s not ‘part of the game.’ If chinning a man who disagrees with you is wrong, then, frankly, we have no interest in being right.
In order to fully realise this golden ideal – think of it as the Nike dream of the Übermensch multi-sportsman, the renaissance athlete, but with a healthy dose of not being a disgrace to humanity thrown in too. This is the team we’d all be proud to call our own – with no black mark of character judgement, or dull effectiveness hanging over any victory. This is a team of real heroes. This is the official Surreal Football greatest XI of all-time, laid out in a 4-4-2 formation, because that’s the best one.
Manager: José Mourinho
Forward: Eric Cantona