Five things Chelsea do better than Barca

Here at Surreal Football we love fat, bitter, Tory over-the-hill players, which is why we love Frank Lampard.

Last night they beat, sorry, drew with Valencia in the Champions League.  Having studied Barcelona’s recent performance – the Barcelona with Xavi, Iniesta, Fabregas, Messi, Alves, Villa and Pique in their squad – Frank Lampard saw fit to draw comparisons.

Frank Lampard is short on many things – dignity, empathy and ability to write a sympathetic autobiography – but not on balls.  We were getting increasingly lathered into an erotic angry frenzy.  Seething at the sheer front on that man.  HOW HOW HOW COULD HE SAY THIS.  This paragraph was written for formatting reasons.

We met him in the tunnel and pressed him on this, is it really true?  Are Chelsea better than Barcelona  Is it fu-[hold on!  He's right, look!]

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