Montenegro 2-2 England: Illustrated Edition

Hi everyone! It’s me, your friendly neighborhood vuvuzelist.

Last night England played against Montenegro somewhere deep in the black mountain ranges for which I assume the country is named.

A confession: I didn’t watch the game, because Turkey’s 1-3 loss to Germany was on at the same time and, to be honest, that was much more interesting to me, an American who feels only the barest sense of solidarity for his transoceanic Anglophone ex-colonizers.

But alas, In-gur-lund brings in those sweet sweet hits, so I was compelled by greed to look over the “highlights” of this rather dull match and regurgitate them back up in a form you idiots might be able to digest.

So, without further formatting-mandated formalities aka intro-text, IT’S DOODLE TIME!

Theo Walcott kicked a gorgeously bent cross onto Ashley Young’s head for England’s first goal.

Walcott is, ummmm, “not a natural crosser” according to everyone who’s ever seen him play, including his own grandmother (RIP). Guess we can attribute this one to blind luck then, yeah? Arsene Wenger wept bitter tears when he saw it, assuming he hasn’t already gouged his eyes out, Greekly.

Some other stuff happened, and then Wayne Rooney kicked a guy and got sent off.

It was “stupid,” “senseless,” “boneheaded,” and so on. This means he’ll be out for England’s first group game in the finals. Sucks for you, England! He’s by far your best player. (Phil “Toblerone” Jones still needs a few months to catch up.)

There were three other goals scored in this match, but two of them were by Montenegro (who?) and the other one was boring (yuck!).

It would be a real treat to see a fluid, attacking midfield duo of Arsenal’s Jack Wilshere and Manchester United’s Tom Cleverley lead England’s central midfield in Euro 2012, but everything about Fabio Capello’s managerial style and personality compounded with everything about English football fans means that Gareth Barry and Scott Parker are probably the most fun we can expect. So, no fun. H8 u, England. You don’t deserve the wasted talents you’re given.