95 min:   David Luiz is tripped, and a free kick for Chelsea.  Cech is in the box, QPR break free.  Ashley Cole hacks down Joey Barton just as the referee blows for full time.  

91 min:  Wright-Phillips is round the back of the Chelsea defence and again can’t do anything constructive, this time a shot saved where a cross was more sensible.   Chelsea then break, and Cole’s header across goal is saved by a diving Kenny.

89 min:  Some afters.  John Terry comes in late on Paddy Kenny as he clears a backpass.  Due to them arguing like wastes of skin, he books them both.  Chelsea win an automatic fine for the number of yellow cards they’ve got.  John Terry continues to tell the ref about how to do his job properly.  5 minutes added time, yeah?

86 min:  QPR manage to keep the ball for a minute.  Wright-Phillips doesn’t like that so boots a shot miles over.

83 min:  Anelka is put through.  He can’t get a shot away, but turns, and crosses to David Luiz.  His overhead kick is on target, but it hits Lampard on the top of his foot and it bounces over.  Lucky for QPR.  Chelsea would be disappointed to lose this.

81 min: The filthy Derry off or Buzsaky.

79 min:  Crikey.  Anelka has a free header, four yards out, from a great Ivanovic cross.  He heads it straight at Paddy Kenny!  That’s such an opportunity for Chelsea, and despicable defending from QPR.   Alright, ten minutes left of this.

76 min:  From the free kick, a great chance.  Barton’s cross is met by Helguson, who volleys over from close range at the back post.  QPR aren’t very good, I’ve decided.

75 min:  And now Ashley Cole is in the book.  Barton wins the ball from the left back after intercepting his pass.  It was possibly handball, and Cole, ruddy miffed, cynically clips him.

72 min:  Florent Malouda is coming on.  Chelsea’s players will feel physically like I feel mentally.    Despite that, Chelsea have had a ridiculous 57% of possession.   Meireles is the man replaced, just after he is booked for dissent.  He harangues the referee when David Luiz is pulled to the ground by Helguson in the QPR box.  He’s got a point.

70 min:  David Luiz is booked for a sly kick on Anton Ferdinand.  We’ve all wanted to do that in the past.  MTV Cribs, the atrocity exhibition.

67 min:  Cole crosses low for Lampard.  He’s pushed by the QPR defender – I didn’t catch who – and wants a penalty.  I don’t know what the correct decision was, but obviously John Terry does, as he’s lecturing everybody in sight.

66 min:  More patient from QPR now, and they’re finding space with a bit more ease.  However, Chelsea are playing brilliantly.  David Luiz is everywhere – which is handy because it’s worse when he’s just in defence – but you’d expect them to tire soon.

60 min:  Now Barton’s in the book.   Cole is into the box down the left after a one-two with Lampard.  From the corner, Meireles’ cross goes out for a goal kick.  Chelsea look more effective.  Adel Taarabt is in a deep funk, substitued for Tommy Smith.  Taarabt disappears down the tunnel, off to get the bus.  Warnock has made the right choice, if they’re disciplined then three points should be a cinch.

57 min:  QPR are doing this all wrong.   If they were patient and passed to one another, they’d walk it.  At the moment they’re getting their heads down and running into space, then getting confused.  Chelsea don’t look two men down.  Ivanovic is booked for a nasty challenge on Taarabt, who’d flicked the ball away.

53 min:  Taarabt slips in Luke Young on the inside right channel.  A good pass made easy by numbers, but Young can only drag it wide of Cech’s right hand post.

52 min:  They are still calling each other EFF and CEE.

50 min:  Faurlin can’t clear the wall.  Derry then wallops Lampard, and the ball is shuttled outside Chelsea’s box.  Lampard is furious with Derry for the challenge, who has in fairness been acting the moron with several deliberately heavy challenges.  Both are booked for their row.

49 min:  QPR break, Barton squares it to Taarabt, who draws the trip from Mikel on the edge of the box, and the Nigerian is booked.

48 min:  Joey Barton plays a long ball to Shaun Wright-Phillips.  A long ball to Shaun Wright-Phillips.  He does a very crap impression of a clever man, does Barton.

46 min:  Fat Taarabt is robbed of the ball and Lampard earns a corner.  It’s far too deep.   From there a long throw is hoiked into the QPR box.  Set pieces are Chelsea’s best hope.

Ray Wilkins calls the Glazers classy.  Fuck off, Ray.

You can find all today’s goals here.

Narcissist Ethan Dean-Richards can’t help but force his opinion on you all:  “Red card changed the derby. It could’ve gone either way before then. This shouldn’t be a controversial opinion, and it certainly wouldn’t be if it wasn’t a game between to rivals. To spell it out: you’re much more likely to lose if you play with ten men against eleven. Further, you don’t have to be stunning to beat ten men with eleven – it’s more neutral than anything. Do we have to have this conversation every time or can we just agree on this now?”  Yes, but Evans’ intervention possibly stopped City going up 2-0, so it wasn’t just the card.

Half time.  QPR 1 – 0 Chelsea.  QPR 11 players – 9 players Chelsea.  I’m off to scream names of midfielders Manchester United have not bought over the last three years into the windowless corner of my living room.

46 min:  Taarabt showboats.  He’s great when it’s easy.  Nicolas Anelka is coming on for Juan Mata, as he’ll offer a decent threat on the break, and Mata might have an injury to his shoulder.

43 min:  QPR break and have four on three.  It’s wasted, but it demonstrates just how difficult the rest of the game will be for Chelsea.  They won’t have any space to breathe for the rest of the game.

40 min:  Red card!  Drogba off!  He goes in studs up, stretching for the ball after it got away from him in midfield.  It clumps into Taarabt, who seems OK.  Drogba’s heartbroken, and Obi Mikel gives him a bollocking.  Getting bollocked by Obi Mikel.  Imagine.  Nine men left for Chelsea.  Give it to City, it’s theirs.

Tony Ling, again mistaking me for a journalist:  ‘Seeing as you’d rather talk about that game anyway (and I can’t blame you too much, honestly), to what extent did the red card contribute to the scoreline? Or was it honestly just a capitulation by a Manchester United side, which happens about once in a (cough) blue moon?’  It was a late capitulation, and I couldn’t have called the game before the sending off.  Of course, with 6-1, credit to Manchester City.  They’ve got the best squad, just ahead of Chelsea’s.  The title is for them to lose.

38 min:  QPR are coming in late to take a bite out of most Chelsea players, and John Terry will have plenty to chat about if it carries on.  Meireles puts a long shot low and to the keeper’s right, out for a goal kick.

36 min:  Daniel Sturridge comes off as Chelsea reorganise with Ivanovic introduced at right back.   Mata will play up front with Drogba, so there is plenty of attacking threat for them still.

33 min:  Taarabt’s free kick is saved easily – but then dropped and regathered.  Chelsea are in a deep hole, but they aren’t 6-1 down at home to Manchester City, give them that.

32 min:  Red card!  Bosingwa pulls down Shaun Wright-Phillips.  Taarabt puts him through on goal, and although Ray Wilkins doesn’t like it, it’s not an unreasonable decision from the Ref.  Eree.

31 min:  Technical problems.  The world is trying to push me to it.  I’ll do it.  Oh, I’ll do it.

27 min:  Juan Mata, a midfielder Manchester United chose not to buy, scoops a delightful pass forward that’s just too long.  He’s almost as good as David Silva, another midfielder Manchester United chose not to buy.

6-1.  Nurse, the heroin.

25 min:  Petr Cech sells David Luiz short.  It’s easily done on such a small pitch, as QPR can press easily.  Raul Meireles falls over his haircut.

22 min:  Lampard’s corner straight off the heid of Luiz for a goal kick.  Mark Alpert pushes me to suicide:  ’There there, Netherton, it could be worse. No, seriously, it could and should have been at least 8-1.’  The MBM ends here.  BLAM!

21 min:  David Luiz takes a soft tumble in the box as Shaun Wright-Phillips stands next to him.  Pathetic, another player we have to hate as he’s a cheat.

Tony Ling mistakes me for a journalist: ‘My sympathy re: today’s Manchester derby. It’s nice to see all 3 promoted teams give it a go every week and generally play positive football, isn’t it? How would you rank all three teams and their chances for staying up?’  I honestly don’t know, purely because there are just so many bad sides about.

19 min:  Taarabt gets his chance with a free kick to cross in.  It’s straight to the keeper.  Ha and indeed eff you ha.

Nicholas Murray on the heated debate: ‘I think that set-to with Taarabt may be because he hasn’t scored yet this season and was thinking the penalty would be a good way to get off the mark this season. Can’t really blame him for trying.’  You can blame him, he knows who the penalty taker for QPR is.  He should shut his trap.

17 min:  Juan Mata’s corner comes to nothing after a foul in the box.  6-1, though.  If only Ferguson had seen some kind of evidence that his midfield needed refreshing in the last three years.

15 min:  Chelsea are passing relatively well but are getting hussled off the ball by a busy QPR midfield.  Last year’s Chelsea might have had more problems with this, but they’re a cleverer and more confident side this season, and they earn another corner.

14 min:  A deflected shot from Sturridge earns a corner.  It comes out to Frank Lampard, who Frank Lampards it a full ten yards over the goal.  Taarabt, apparently, was bothering Helguson as he wanted to take the penalty.  Barton told him off – after all, there’s only enough room for one rampant egotist in the side.

12 min:  David Luiz deals uncomfortably with another long ball, this time from the eyebrow-challenged Paddy Kenny, but the danger passes.  Emails, please.  I don’t want to be alone.  6-1.  6-1. 6.  1.

9 min:  Goal!  QPR 1 – 0 Chelsea Helguson lifts it slowly over Petr Cech, who dives to his right, just getting a fingertip to it, but he can’t prevent it getting past him.

8 min:  Penalty!  David Luiz, who doesn’t contest the decision at all, bashes into Helguson as he waits for a bouncing ball.  It’s an easy decision for the ref, but Taarabt and Barton argue over something regardless.

7 min:  Taarabt is clumped to the ground by Obi Mikel.  The cross from Barton is caught by Petr Cech.  He’s England’s best midfielder of the last two years, Joey Barton says of Joey Barton.

6 min:  An attacking start from Chelsea. David Luiz has advanced into midfield a couple of times, which is where he’s happiest, because he’s basically a tall midfielder played in defence.

3 min:  Joey Barton is on the pitch and therefore not tweeting.  On the other hand, Manchester United just lost 6-1 and I want to die.  Frank Lampard chips forward for David Luiz whose close range header goes wide.

1 min:  Sturridge and Drogba link up on the right hand side.  Sturridge shoots from the edge of the box and pulls it wide.

That video didn’t work, but clicking on it probably does.  We kick off.

Some pre-game thoughts coming off the back of that wonderful Manchester United display

watch?v=-eREiQhBDIk

Team News, as I softly weep:

QPR: Kenny, Young, Ferdinand, Hall, Hill; Wright-Phillips, Barton, Derry, Faurlin, Taarabt; Helguson.

Subs: Murphy, Orr, Bothroyd, Mackie, Buzsaky, Smith, Puncheon.

Chelsea: Cech; Bosingwa, Luiz, Terry, Cole; Meireles, Mikel, Lampard; Sturridge, Drogba, Mata.

Subs: Turnbull, Ivanovic, Romeu, Malouda, McEachran, Kalou, Anelka.