Six steps to fixing Manchester United

Manchester United need fixing. Not because of one game against Manchester City. No, it wasn’t ‘one game’, it was the culmination of years worth of skimming off the top from transfer funds to pay off debt. The Glazers have ruined the club. Here’s what needs to be done.

1. A Grade-A midfielder needs to be bought. As it turns out, a gaping hole and Darren Fletcher will not do. Yes, we were all convinced that Fergie knew all through the summer when he said he was happy with his squad, but there is, we know now, a good chance he was just throwing out propaganda for his overlord owners. Why even bother suggesting players, we all know who would do the job and who wouldn’t. Darren Fletcher needs selling. As an in-joke, for a while, it was funny, but I think we can all agree it’s gone too far. It would certainly have been hilarious to have beaten Barcelona’s Xavi-Iniesta combo with an actually ill Scotsman, but it’s not going to happen.

2. Sell the club to Murdoch. He’ll not muck about with shopping malls, he wants an empire of success. He also might have some spare time on his hands in the next few years.

3. Bring back Brian Kidd. Fergie needs a better class of yes-man. Mike Phelan is the wrong kind of clown – he’s funny; vaguely ridiculous. Kidd is, basically, the same, but he’s winning with Manchester City and Roberto Mancini and now is the time for knee-jerk grass is greener talk. Other sensible options are Mark Hughes and Darren Fletcher after he’s done as a player.

4. Phil Jones needs the captaincy.

5. The team needs a philosophy – some coherence. Barcelona have tiki taka and being utter arseholes; Manchester City have being brash new money – as do Chelsea; Real Madrid have the Jose Mourinho effect. United need some kind of equivalent: all they have right now is a shallow sense of being defensive. The direction they should take is obvious – we can see some semblance of it already: they need to become the world’s most sexual team. Rafael and Fabio are there, Phil Jones and Antonio Valencia are there; players like Javi Martinez need to come in. United haven’t signed a provocatively saucy samba siren for months. Sex it up. Now.

6. Ferg, come on. “If we lose, it’s not the end of the world” BEFORE THE GAME. Seriously. Either get an Armani coat, wield the rod, and act like the sinister fucker this club deserves or piss off and we’ll find someone called Jose who will.

“On Sun, Oct 23, 2011 at 9:57 PM, Alexander Netherton wrote:
This is quite earnest in parts so it’s a bit odd to match it with joke points.”