Full time:  Thanks to all those who chose to watch this filth with me.  Come back for a better match, it’s more fun for all three of us that way.

90 min:  Valencia and Park sprint upfield.  Park passes to Valencia, who lifts a shot just over the bar.  It was a poor finish.  There’s three minutes of added time, and then we can bash this mother on the head with a spade, and bury its still breathing body in a shallow grave.  It will expire from suffocation.

88 min:  Free kick for Aldershot from thirty yards out, slightly to the left, is saved very well by Amos.  The wall was in completely the wrong place and bypassed easily.  Amos tips it out for a corner, Morrison and Park break, only for Fabio to lose the ball on the outside of the Aldershot box.

85 min:  Valencia is tripped on the right hand side of the box.  Play spreads to Fabio on the left and Aldershot intercept and break.  The cross is far too heavy and goes out for a corner.  It’s one of the better attacks Aldershot have mustered this half.  They’re just too tired, and Manchester United are keeping the ball without difficulty.

81 min:  Berbatov wallops it past the wall into the centre of the goal, which whacks off the keeper and out for a corner.   Aldershot eventually break, but the cross is deflected out of the United area, and the resulting shot is skied way over the bar.  The impressive Rankine comes off for Smith.

79 min:  Free kick for United.  Park goes on a thirty yard run through most of the Aldershot defence, perpetually on the verge of tumbling.  He does in the area, but the free kick is given.  That’s the right decision.

77 min:  Pogba, the first substitute, has been very assured.  He seems to have patience on the ball, and in part that is because Aldershot look knackered.  Despite that, his decision making in order to keep the ball has been pleasingly Not English.  If only United had a decent midfielder to show him and Cleverley the ropes, and they could be hopeful for the future, instead of broke and desperate.

71 min:  Vidic puts a long ball out for a corner under pressure.  The corner is cleared, won back, and the cross is then put out for a United goal kick.  Just give the ball for Ravel, let him and Berbatov have a threesome with the ball.  Vicenti is replaced by Collins.  Vicenti’s not done much, but there’s nothing he’s done wrong up against much better players.

70 min;  Diouf and Fryers leave for Michael Keane and Ravel Morrison.  Diouf has been very quiet without being poor, and Fryers has been very quiet and competent.  Quite excited to see Ravel Morrison.

67 min:  United are playing keepball here.  Something they found utterly impossible against Basel, Liverpool and Manchester United.  A ridiculous pass for Michael Owen from his nemesis, Dimitar  Berbatov, is squandered by the horse loving squad filler.

64 min:  Callum Hamilton retorts: ‘Love’s biggest muscle is the heart, Netherton.’  He would know, would Callum.  A Scotch psycho who doesn’t believe in democracy, let alone love.

62 min:  God, this Pogba reminds me of Paul Parker/Patrick Vieira/Linford Christie/Sidney Poitier.  Can I get on Sky Sports now?

60 min:  Tom Cleverley, returning from injury, is replaced by Paul Pogba, a man who will only ever be compared to black footballers because he is black.  This is the first time I’ve seen Pogba not playing reserve matches, where he has scored some absolute belters.

57 min:  Berbatov is through on goal.  For fun, he Cruyff turns past two Aldershot defenders and then drags a shot wide.  I imagine he did it to highlight his existential despair.

55 min:  Professional man Callum Hamilton opines, ‘I’d always thought of Valencia as a tender yet skilful lover. Not sure now – that was savage.’  Valencia’s versatile as a lover, I reckon.  He’s tough when he has to be, delicate when needed, but in the brain – love’s biggest muscle, I’m told – he’s strict.

53 min:  The freekick comes to naught.  Owen and Diouf, the two least talented strikers of the modern Manchester United era, combine outside the box, and the ball ends up in the United half.  Berbatov looks disgusted by the rest of them.

51 min:  Dean Holdsworth, who has put on a fair wedge of weight – the sign of a good, good man – is parading about in a waistcoat – the sign of a spiv.  No thanks, Dean.  United win a freekick for an incorrectly called foul on the right side of the penalty box.

49 min:  One of my FCF colleague emails in.  ’Owen is so shit.’  Guess who?  I probably won’t say.

47 min:  Goal!  Aldershot 0-3 Manchester United.  Aldershot have started the brighter of the two teams, but given their limited ability I would be very surprised if they were unable to score.  Before you chip in, Jo’h'nny Evans is suspended so can’t come on.    Berbatov passes to Diouf on the left of the box  and Valencia’s shot from distance, on the right, crashes into the top corner.

Francophile Philippa Booth: ‘Got nothing on this, but – it’s the French League Cup Quarters tonight, OM are 1-up against Ligue 2′s Lens, who feature Thorgan Hazard, Eden’s 18-year-old brother. He’s rather good…’  I hate Lille, Eden’s team.  I just don’t like Joe Cole.  I’ll be back in ten minutes.  Bye.

All the goals can be found here.  Berbatov’s second (Owen is incidental) is worth a watch.

Half time emails of limited use, from consistent narcissist Ethan Dean-Richards: ‘I’m not actually following the game, so when I saw 2-1 on your MBM I thought United were losing. As they’re not, my last email made no sense at all. Tits.’

Half time:  A poor match helped only by the competence of Antonio Valencia and the sheer erotic Berbaroticism of Dimitarotic Berbatov.

41 min: Goal! Aldershot Town 0 – 2 Manchester United  Long ball over the top for Berbatov.  He collects it, and teases the left back with a shimmy.  A delicious pass with the outside of his right foot for the onrushing Michael Owen who can’t miss, helped by dodgy keeping.  The disdain Michael Owen must face from Dimitar Berbatov, though.

37 min:  An Aldershot corner isn’t cleared properly.  When it’s put back into the box, an Aldershot player – missed who – is tripped.  It should be a penalty.  Well, it should if the linesman hadn’t raised his flag for offside.  Please email in.  This is shite.

34 min:  Valencia goes past the left back without fuss and stands a cross up at the back post.  Diouf wins the battle for the ball, and heads it over.  Valencia looks a bit better than he has this season.  But he would, wouldn’t he?

Goal!  Two Goals!  Aldershot 2 – 1 Manchester United.  Not really.  But this is quite poor stuff.

30 min:   Berbatov carves the Aldershot team apart on a forward run.  He has as much time as anyone could need to make a run, and nobody makes a run.   I wonder if Ferguson has told his players to deliberately sabotage Berbatov.  SET HIM FREE.

28 min:  Aldershot win the corner after Fryers deflects it out.  The resulting cross is headed on and out by the overweight Aldershot number 9, Rankine.

23 min:  Hylton is fouled in the centre circle by Cleverley.  It’s lobbed into the box and drifts out for a goal kick.  He’ll be disappointed with that one, Gary.

21 min:  More technical problems.  You missed nothing.  Aldershot are stuck defending their goal.

15 min:  Goal!  Aldershot Town 0-1 Manchester United.  Ji Sung Park is slipped into the box and passes to Berbatov, just by the penalty spot.  He has very little pressure, and all the time he wants, and places a left footed shot in the corner.  The Aldershot fans are chanting they’ll win 6-1.  No, you won’t.

14 min:  United are having more of the possession, and are getting most of their success down the right wing, which is expected.  On the left United have Fryers and Diouf, on the right there’s Valencia and Fabio.  It’s sexx maths.

12 min:  An absolutely rubbish corner.

11 min:  Vidic resorts to United’s first long ball.  It’s headed clear.  This is seriously tedious jazz.  Neat play from Fabio results in a corner.

8 min:  Fabio, Jones and Vidic keep possession in defence.  3/4 of the likely defence for Manchester United next year, if Vidic doesn’t decide he’s had enough of this, which is rumoured.

5 min  Aldershot look comfortable enough, but Manchester United’s heart isn’t in it.  This is the most pointless of games I’ve covered yet.  And I covered Wolvs vs Swansea.

2 min:  It’s a disgrace Berbatov is being made to play this game.  I’ve fallen out of love with football all over again.

Technical problems!

Aldershot: Worner; Herd, Straker, Guttridge, Jones, McGlashan, Rankine, Hylton, Rodman, Morris, Vincenti.

Subs: Young, Brown, Collings, Bubb, Pulis, Smith, Panther.

Your guess is as good as mine.  Ask The 72 Blog (who I like).

Manchester United: Amos; Fabio, Jones, Vidic, Fryers; Valencia, Cleverley, Park, Diouf; Owen; Berbatov.

Subs: De Gea, Vermijl, M.Keane, Pogba, Morrison, W.Keane, Cole.

So, Michael Owen starts.  The day he is put down is the day we can all celebrate.  The wrong Keanes and Cole are on the bench.  Enigmatic tearaway and ne’erdowell Ravel Morrison is there too, as is Paul Pogba – the new-Vieira-because-he’s-black.   Berbatov is traduced again.  FREE BERBATOV.   I should mention that midfield saviour Tom Cleverley makes a return.

Poor Berb:

Our Aldershot correspondent, Daniel Harris, reports. ‘I can hardly bring myself to look at them.’  He’s a Manchester United fan, you might have guessed.

Good evening.  One of our sorry number is at the game tonight, so if we hear any exciting BREAKING NEWS from the changing room, you probably still won’t hear from us.

Manchester United visit Aldershot Town in the Carling Cup, coming off the back of a 6-1 tonking from their neighbours, Manchester City.  I’m yet to hear team news, so it’s not clear if anybody on United’s side on Saturday is being punished with an appearance here.  I would wager Dimitar Berbatov plays, unnecessarily humiliated.

Aldershot Town?  Well, I’m not a niche blogger, so I don’t want to pretend to know.  Deal?  Deal.

Team news will be with you as soon as I get it.