PFA thinks players are paid in Rupees
The Professional Footballers Association has today apologised for the crippling wage crisis in football and taken full responsibility. In a press conference the PFA announced that, until today, they believed players were in fact being paid in rupees.
For years the historic organisation had claimed footballers were, if anything, underpaid. This statement was retracted when they realised players weren’t being paid in the weak Indian currency. Though no one was blamed for this financial misdemeanour, the organisation as is said to be “wholly embarrassed”.
Reverberations are being felt throughout the PFA, as work-experience boys are being asked to re-draft advice given to green professionals. The manual had previously advised:
“Looking for secondary income? Cheating on your wife/partner will provide a media furore to milk in future autobiographies.”
“Gamble. 40,000 rupees can easily transform into 80,000 with a red. Your on-field fame will guarantee leniancy with loan sharks.”
“Give your likeness to marketing agencies. Gary Pallister’s contract with Fukishima Whaling Inc built his conservatory and bought his daughter a Nissan Micra for her 17th birthday.”
The PFA spotted the error when a representative attended Mario Ballotelli’s house-warming. The ostentatious Itallian had built an escalator to the moon, allowing revellers to travel up with crackers and Lurpack spreadable butter.
Our source commented: “That didn’t seem like the sort of thing you could fund with rupees. When I noticed the amount of Forero Roche on display, that was the final straw. I thought, maybe they are actually being paid in pounds, actual English pounds. I checked if Mario had a Wonga.com account, and when he didn’t I knew we had made a mistake.”
In a complete U-turn, they now recognise the public’s anger at rising wages. Sir Geoffrey Monkfish, Chairman of the PFA, said: “Well of course being paid £100,000 a week or more is disgustingly unnecessary. When we saw the figures and the way players were complaining about them, the only logical conclusion we could make was that they were actually being paid in rupees. If we did it all over again I’m confident we would make the same mistake.”
This is of course, not the first time the PFA has been financially naive. In 1995 they sold Allesandro Del Piero (originally from Lowestoft) to Italy for 500,000 Lira, the price of a can of coke.