The Harry Redknapp guide to heart surgery

This is written now rather than yesterday because we’re assuming Harry Redknapp hasn’t died from the minor heart surgery he had. The idea was in place yesterday, when news of the surgery broke, but in terms of this website’s reputation, we decided that making fun of a freshly dead man could look bad. Once they’re dead for a while, of course, it’s okay.

Onwards. Redknapp’s approach to heart surgery:

1. Barking orders whilst being operated on.

Redknapp is no heart surgeon. In fact, he admitted to us earlier that he had confused his initial diagnosis with the chance to sign Manchester City’s Joe Hart, ending, eventually, with him putting in a cheeky bid for another patient’s lung.

Nevertheless, we’ve heard reports of him shouting “just facking run around a bit” to the nurses participating in his surgery. One surgeon dropped a scalpel: Redknapp would insist later that his wife could have held it.

2. Ignoring doctor’s advice.

Redknapp was told before the operation not to eat any red meat or to drink any alcohol, but refused, based on what we’re hearing was a deep-seated resentment of anything that could constitute forward planning. “Facking tactics,” he is reported to have cackled as he was wheeled into surgery.

3. Pre and post-surgery interviews with Sky Sports.

In the build-up to his operation Redknapp told Sky’s Jeff Stelling that he was nervous “because you never know how these things are going to go” but that he was confident “because if my lads play anything like they can, that they can beat anyone.”

After the ordeal Redknapp made sure to comment from his hospital bed. Slipping his still strikingly red face between his bed-curtains, he explained that the whole surgical team had been “triffic” and that he was entirely happy with his squad. Asked about the signing of “lungy”, he refused to comment directly, except to say that “look, we all make mistakes.”