PEEP! PEEP! No, it’s full-time, and it’s finished Newcastle 2-1 Everton, the goals coming from a routine Heitinga OG, a brutal Ryan Taylor thunderbolt, and a consolation bullet header from young Rodwell. Not a great game as it petered out somewhat in the second half, but enjoyable nonetheless. Enjoy the rest of your day, I’m off – to Leamington Spa!

93 min: One last punt for Everton….

90+1 min: Ameobi wins a corner – useful, in the current situation. There’s 4 minutes of added time for Everton to snatch something, and we’re halfway through that time already.

89 min: Ben Arfa breaks, cuts inside, and attacks the Everton goal with Ba as they look to put the final nail in Everton’s coffin, but Distin denies him with a fine tackle and Everton regroup. Time is running out, however…

85 min: McFadden’s first action is to collect a loose ball from a corner, with his teammates queuing up in the Newcastle area, but his cross is out of play. Moments later, Saha booms a 25-yarder along the ground and wide, for the umpteenth time.

84 min: As soon as I say that, all Everton pressure dissipates. Gosling breaks from a rare attack to charge through the centre of the pitch with only the goal on his mind. He has Osman snapping at his heels the whole way, and eventually overruns it.

82 min: Ryan Taylor is harshly booked for a high boot in a 50 challenge. Everton pressure is mounting on the Newcastle goal.

81 min: Jinky James McFadden on! Hibbert is the man sacrificed. Prepare yourselves for a 40-yard thunderbolt or literally nothing – for it is his way.

78 min: Cahill produces a great touch to spin away from Coloccini, but as he gallops towards goal, the Argentinian makes a tremendous recovery to stop him in his tracks. Everton have looked impotent going forwards for much of the game, and the equaliser looks unlikely.

74 min: Sammy Ameobi glides with pace down the left, shimmying past a couple of Everton defenders before fizzing a cross in, which Jagielka heads away. He’s been lively since coming on, young Sammy, but he’s shown little in the way of actual quality.

73 min: A substitution. The quiet Best off, the exciting Hatem Ben Arfa on in his place.

Stanger Writes Again:  ”A non-opinion offering. I saw Iain Dowie in the pub the other day. He was drinking a pint of bitter and a Smirnoff Ice. He didn’t mix them together to make a turbo shandy, he was just alternating between the two.”

Well, there’s really nothing to add to that. It is what it is.

68 min: Coloccini thumps a ball in for Best, which Baines does well to get clear. I’m sorry, readers, it’s just very scrappy at the moment. Newcastle look perfectly happy to fanny about for the remaining time and I think that’s exactly what they’re going to try and do. Everton do still look dangerous when they get forward, though.

64 min: Baines sends in a very deep cross-cum-whack-down-the-channel for the advancing Cahill and Saha to control and work out between the two of them. It almost works, with Cahill winning the ball in the air, but the twosome can’t sort their feet out and Saha doesn’t get a decent chance out of it.

60 min: Newcastle have a corner, which Guthrie sends in dangerously. It ends up at the other end of the area, at the feet of Sammy Ameobi, who flicks it up before taking a shot, but he gets right underneath it and blazes it miles and miles over.

59 min: It’s all gotten very scrappy. Both teams slugging it out in central midfield, to little avail, which just about suits Newcastle.

56 min: Cahill on, Heitinga off. Everton are going for it.

54 min: Ameobi in the thick of things right away! He breaks with Ba after Everton make a total hash of an attack, seemingly with about 7 players standing on the penalty spot. Newcastle break, Ba slips Ameobi in, and he’s in a clear race with Distin. His support is limited, so his decision to play it to the back post is the wrong one – it’s eventually retrieved, then lost, but he should’ve just wellied it.

51 min: Another injury for Newcastle. Marveaux goes off. As I searched Twitter to find out who it was who replaced him, I was immediately overtaken by thoughts of suicide when I saw the thousands of 100-RT Liverpool fans’ “MARVEAUX INJURED, SURPRISE SURPRISE, NO WONDER WE DIDN’T SIGN HIM!” posts. But who should his replacement be – why, the one man who could lift me from this desperate, bleak state – Sammy Ameobi! Hurrah!

49 min: One-man Howitzer division Taylor sends in another cross, which Best attempts to meet at the back post, but can’t quite make. Ba had left it for him – a poor decision if you ask me. It eventually rolls out to Guthrie, as roars of “Shooooooot!” are raised around St. James, but they quickly fall away when he obliges, curling it over the bar.

47 min: More fine work from Ryan Taylor, working the ball with Marveaux on the edge of the area before playing Best into a very dangerous position – but there’s Distin, nicking the ball of his toe just in time.

Peep! We’re away, then. Hold onto your hats, and let’s see if Everton can hit back.

If anyone has an opinion on anything at all that they’d like to share with us – don’t. Keep it to yourself. Email in about something else instead.

FACT: When I was asked if I could cover any games this weekend, I said that I was going to Leamington Spa for the duration. Unfortunately, I was then asked to cover this one, the early kick-off, before ma train, which doesn’t get me out of having to go to good old Leam. Incidentally, Steve, if you’re reading this, then I didn’t have time to get you a present, so I hope this will do. They call it a “shout out”.

Matthew Stanger, no St(r)anger to this municipality either, writes:  ”Why did Krul dive about 10 seconds after Everton’s goal? Watch the replay.”

I don’t know, Matthew. People like to keep up appearances, so I suppose it’s that.

All the goals can be found here.

Everton goal: As easy as you like, Jack Rodwell heads in from a corner. A simple enough goal, with Newcastle having made the mistake of both defenders on the near post having gone forwards, misjudging the flight of the ball. Rodwell nips into the space and finishes smartly. A bad time to concede, the sages have it. Let’s see how they get on in the second half, because – PEEP! – this one has just finished. We’ll be back in a few minutes.

45+1 min: GOAL! Newcastle 2-1 Everton (Jack Rodwell)

43 min: Distin’s first act is to clumsily give away a free-kick after both teams try testing each other with some direct play. It’s gotten a bit dull as we reach the end of the first half, understandably on Newcastle’s part.

41 min: Distin replaces Neville. Nothing happens from the corner, but Newcastle then get a free-kick, a good 30 yards out. Ryan Taylor has a bash, but it’s into the wall.

39 min: Demba Ba’s cross is blocked by Baines for a corner. But now Everton have a player down too – Phil Neville. He looks in quite some genuine anguish, and if I were a betting man, I’d suspect that his hamstring has gone there.

36 min: Fine work from Marveaux sees him send in a fine cross from the right, but Best appears to fall over at the back post, prompting half-hearted screams for a penalty. Nothing doing, and it rolls through for Taylor, the move continues, an eventually it’s Coloccini’s shank which stops play long enough for Cabaye to sadly limp off injured. His replacement is, disgracefully, not even close to being so photogenic. Nonetheless, there he is. Dan Gosling.

33 min: Now Ryan Taylor hits the bar! This is ridiculous now. Taylor strolls unchallenged down the right once more, and without getting carried away, opts to cross the ball at the back post. It ends up, however, as more of a cross-cum-shot, and Howard makes a total misjudgement of it, the ball bouncing off the top of the crossbar to spare his blushes. Howard laughs it off as ‘one of those things’ but he would’ve looked very silly indeed if that had gone in.

31 min: Now Everton mount an attack. Coleman raids down the left, strangely, before rolling the ball out to Phil Neville, who comes steaming in to surely leather it into the top corner. Well, the trickler that he actually does send in end up finding Louis Saha, who spins and smacks it off the inside of the post, before it’s cleared. Everton are unlucky to be 2 down here.

Newcastle goal: That was astonishing. After conceding a silly throw-in, Everton clear their lines with a bit of head tennis, and decide to give up pressing the ball as soon as it leaves their area. That proves to be their undoing, as Ryan Taylor races in from left-back, striking it with a meaty, savage right-footed blaster that swerves menacingly into the goal via the underside of the bar. Howard had less than no chance.

26 min: WHAT A GOAL! Newcastle 2-0 Everton (Ryan Taylor)

27 min: Alexander Netherton, of this parish, emails in: “We’re seeing the next Manchester United manager in action.  PARDEW IN.”

The elephant in the room. Can we all agree that this Everton away kit is this season’s worst – Yes, good, I thought so.

24 min: Tsk. Saha gets played in by Coleman, and as he desperately tries to race clear of Steven Taylor, the Frenchman effectively gives up the foot-race and just decides to welly it. It goes well over.

22 min: Gutierrez, who has been quiet, appears on the left-wing and tries a cross into the Everton box, which is dealt with by Baines. Moments later, Everton try the same thing from the same flank, met in much more committed fashion by Jack Rodwell, who sends a powerful header at the far post. Krul dives, and makes an excellent save, holding the ball as he does so. It’s end-to-end at the moment.

19 min: Silly play from both teams, here. Baines is sold short with a terrible pass following his throw-in, which ends up playing Marveaux down the right wing. In the end, though, Newcastle dawdle and dither, and lose their numerical advantage, passing the ball backwards and losing all momentum.

16 min: Demba Ba is looking lively. He’s probably worth a pop to score by the time this is over – after a poor touch lets him down from collecting a fine Cabaye through-ball, he then robs Rodwell in the Everton half, having to be denied by a crunching tackle. It’s livened up now.

14 min: Simpson attacks again, sending in another cross from the right. This time, Heitinga deals with it in better fashion, heading away from a crowded back post. That goal was the sort of luck Newcastle have been riding to get them where they are in the league so far. If it finished now, it would fit in with the rest of their season – yes, they sort of deserved to win, but they didn’t play well at all.

Newcastle goal: The most bog standard of own goals you’ll ever see. Simpson storms down the right flank and fizzes a medium-height cross into the box. Heitinga, attempting to cut it out before it reaches Best, sticks out a leg and diverts it into his own net. Simple as that. Not an OG of Lee Dixon proportions but the Dutchman is not entirely blameless either.

11 min: Goal! Newcastle 1-0 Everton.

7 min: Oh, Seamus. Saha knocks the ball down for him with a clever flick, to find him unmarked, just to the right of goal, no more than 12 yards out. It’s begging for a volley, and sadly Coleman spoons it well wide after making a hopeless connection. A good chance, gone.

6 min: Newcastle fans scream for a penalty after Best’s cross flies over Ba’s head. I think there was some question over the latter being held back but there didn’t seem to be anything in it to me. The referee concurs.

5 min: Everton are attempting to get into the game by adopting a calm, posession-based approach. Newcastle are pressing ferociously, but to little avail. Everton aren’t really going anywhere either, though.

3 min: Exactly the same thing happens again! Except it’s slightly better from Danny this time, Best gives chase, and wins a throw-in, which Marveaux wastes.

2 min: It’s a surprise to see Danny Guthrie restored to the line-up, and he treats us by sending an aimless pass straight to Tim Howard. Shola Ameobi gives chase – a complete waste of time – to the despairing encouragement of the St. James Crowd.

A minute’s silence, impeccably observed from both sides. And here we go!

The handshake. My favourite part of the match. It’s all downhill from here, folks.

UPDATE: Yes, I’d gotten the benches the wrong way round. They’re sorted now. Ahh – we’re mad, we are!