Five Steps to Making Real Madrid into a “Purely Sexual” Team

There are rumblings, which we initially dismissed as outrageous but are increasingly convinced by, that Real Madrid are close to becoming what is being described as a “purely sexual” team. Any talk is early yet. Purely sexual isn’t a title to be thrown around willy nilly, for Christ’s sake. But we do think it’s time some objective criteria be drawn up to decide when and if Real become “purely sexual”. We at Surreal Football are happy to do it, having enough time in the middle of a Monday morning to do real justice to what has become a delicate situation.

Five Steps to Making Real Madrid into a “Purely Sexual” Team:

1. Installing Josex Mourinho as manager.

Etches of grey sliding down the sides of his hair, a long black coat concealing mercurial genius; Jose Mourinho as manager at the Bernabeau is half the battle in creating a “purely sexual” team. There’s his competitiveness and his dark past; then there’s his win record. Purely, and we don’t say this lightly, sexual.

2. The signing of Cristiano Ronaldo, and possibly the signings of Gareth Bale and Fernando Llorente.

Cristiano Ronaldo is obviously pure sex. Don’t even ask. The debate running around Surreal Football at the moment is whether or not the additions of Bale and Llorente’s thighs could enhance Real’s sexual content any further. Is Ronaldo perfection, or can he be added to? The point is moot because three meetings designed specifically to address the issue have not been able to come up with a definitive answer yet. One member of our team, not to be named for legal reasons, actually ended up pulling apart another member’s Llorente shrine. It’s a sore issue.

3. Beating Barcelona.

Knocking the pseuds off their perch is the conclusion to all erotic thrillers. You know, you’ve read them: the nerdy scientist briefly rules the world but then the anti-establishment maverick kicks him in the face and wins the day. If Mourinho can make Barcelona 2nd place fodder by May, his team will, undoubtedly, be recognised as the first of a new breed of purely sexual teams set to dominate world football.

4. Being bad winners.

Should Real end the season throwing more than just the Spanish Cup off their bus, arrogant announcements about being the world’s best team are a must. Because, does anyone here (hands up, please) fantasise over someone who will love them back? No, that’s not the point of a “purely sexual” team. We need a team that will reject us for the insignificant dirt we are. That is what a truly purely sexual team would do. This didn’t start out as sadomasochism, but there’s a large chance, I’ll admit, we’re ending up there.

5. Burning up in the end.

Consistency isn’t pure sex. We’ve talked this point over perhaps more than any other and agreed that any “purely sexual” team must not develop into any kind of long term deal. Mourinho will have to be moving on to Old Trafford and Ronaldo will have to go with him. It’s just the way it has to be – ephemeral, beautiful. If there can be some kind of dramatic ending involving violence, that would be great too (again this was not meant as a nod to sadomasochism, but it has become one.)

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There will be people out there who seek clarification on what exactly “purely sexual” means within the context of a football team. But “purely sexual” football teams aren’t definable as such; “purely sexual” teams are a feeling; they are a social movement which, in the long term, we firmly believe, will save the world.