Illustrated Premier League Match Reports: the Weekend Round Up like you’ve never seen
Sorry for having taken so long to get this to you, dear readers.
As you may know, it’s November, also known as Movember, Novembeard, or the more straightforward No Shave November. It so happens that I have been a card-carrying participant in this yearly month-long event, not for any charitable reason but simply to feel like part of something (a facebook trend) and display my superior masculinity.
It all seems so simple, but this year was different. I had to get greedy. I knew all the cautionary tales, but failed to heed them. “Cousin It” doesn’t even begin to describe what happened. Suffice it to say I’ve spent the last tenday perfecting the delicate and under-appreciated art of facial cornrowing. Just know: juicing is wrong, and not worth the trouble it brings.
Anyway, the match reports:
WOLVES 3 – 1 WIGAN
They say a picture is worth a thousand words. This is what they mean.
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NEWCASTLE 2 – 1 EVERTON
Newcastle continued their incredible start to the season at St. James’ Park Sports Direct Arena, thanks to an own goal from Everton’s John Heitinga and a wonder goal from Toon left back Ryan Taylor. That’s ten games they’ve gone unbeaten. On Everton’s side, Jack Rodwell is likely to leave soon. Will he go to United? That’d be my bet.
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ARSENAL 3 – 0 WEST BROM
The Gunners continued their slow but steady recovery from their drawn-out illness, and look to be finally shaking off the ghosts of Fabri/Nasregas/Fabregas and Nasri. Van Persie was as usual the key man but oddly enough only one of the three goals came from the captain.
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ASTON VILLA 3 – 2 NORWICH CITY
Agbonlahor’s on a whole other level right now. His play is finally living up to his awesome name. Norwich shouldn’t be too discouraged though–they’re a good team, and I think they’re here to stay for a few more seasons at least.
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BLACKBURN ROVERS 0 – 1 CHELSEA
Chelsea eked out another win against relegation favorites Blackburn, currently at the bottom of the table. It’s a cliche to say that winning while playing badly is the mark of true champions, but it’s one of those things–a cliche because it’s true. Chelsea have been unsteady all season but it’s stupid to write them off. Meanwhile, at the losing team, Steve Kean got a new and improved deal from Venky’s. Are Venky’s trolling their own fans? God I hope so.
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MANCHESTER UNITED 1 – 0 SUNDERLAND
Fergie’s anniversary went fairly smoothly, all things considered. They unveiled the renamed North Stand and it was a little touching but also it’s always struck me as super weird when monuments and things are dedicated to people who are still alive…then again, what do I know…
When Wes Brown scored Sunderland’s own goal to put his old club ahead, I felt it was kind of poetic. That Sunderland’s manager Steve Bruce is also one of Fergie’s former players made it sweeter/more suspicious.
Regardless: 25 years! That’s like, whoa. Sir Alex Ferguson has been manager of Manchester United for longer than I have been alive. #babyalert
