Footurology: Dispatches from the future of The Beautiful Game, Part VII
By Scott Oliver
It was the great Gazza himself who said “I don’t make predictions, and I never will” and up until today we would have concurred with the daft Geordie tragedy-waiting-to-happen (a description which itself could be construed as a sort of foretelling, albeit of the ‘sun will rise tomorrow’ variety). Then we discovered we were psychic. Our soothsaying is conducted through the obscure patterns left on tactics boards, a form of divination we call VELLIOMANCY, from the Greek for arrows. Pointless arrows…
Enjoy the rest of the series here, or delve right in…
16 June 2036
Rio Ferdinand’s estranged son, Belo Horizonte, walks away from a £17m-per-year contract with Charlton Athletic in order to collect musical genres. So far he has pocketed: acid jazz, acid house, acid rock, Balinese gamelan, bhangra, bluegrass, bossa nova, calypso, country & western, dancehall, death metal, deep house, Detroit techno, drum’n’bass, dub, dubstep, electro, electro-house, electroclash, funk, gabba, gangsta rap, garage, gospel, grunge, happy hardcore, hip-hop, house, jazz, juju, jungle, krautrock, Miami bass, minimal, motown, new romantic, northern soul, nu-jazz, post-rock, progressive house, progressive rock, punk, raga, ragtime, reggae, r&b, samba, ska, soul, tango, techno, thrash, trance, trip-hop, and two-step.
FIFA assent to the manufacture of sentient balls that scream if wrongly kicked. They are to be used to train English footballers, now so unremittingly dense that the global footballing body has had to introduce a mandatory three-minute timeout after 22 minutes of each game so that they can have the rules re-explained to them.
8 March, 2040
The unveiling of the newly embalmed Sam Allardyce corpse at the Natural History Museum has a decidedly mixed reception, some people moving straight past him to the brontosaurus.
31 December, 2040
With ex-milkman’s son Robin van McGoogan scoring 43 goals in the first 19 games of the season, Arsenal are romping the league, looking set to secure Arsène Wenger’s first trophy in 36 seasons, perhaps even on course to reprise The Invincibles of 2004.
1 January, 2041
Prior to his 145th Manchester derby as boss at Old Trafford, Viscount Sir Alex Ferguson received his telegram from King William V, jogging across the field to greet the wheelchair-bound monarch before returning to the dugout muttering some consonantless conspiracy theory. Immediately after the game, Ferguson reaffirms that he will not be retiring until the oil runs out in the Middle East, all of which is moot as the World Ends, finally, when Mauritius instigates Nuclear War against the Seychelles, killing everyone except Lee Bowyer, who does the honourable thing and kills himself.