The Surreal Football Champions League Predictions
You might have thought that abolishing the two group stages in favour of a single group would make the competition more streamlined, it’s a little known fact that each year over two million European Champions League games are played. Two million! Nobody could be expected to keep up with that, obviously, so we’ve teamed together to give an up to date football betting guide.
Even the most ardent square-eyed, overweight, oddly-smiling loser football fan will suffer under the strain of that much work. That’s why football journalists are stressed out, overweight hacks dealing solely in their own misery. Here are our predictions, bet your house on them, they are solid gold, chumps.
5/2 John Terry will say, ‘John Terry doesn’t hide from the spotlight when under media pressure. John Terry doesn’t recoil from tackles, recoil from stumbling to the floor comically when chasing after strikers or in the process of taking vital penalties. John Terry doesn’t stop talking about himself in the third person. He’s a strong personality. Granted, he’s a strong personality who constantly makes errors of judgement when playing football and also when speaking.’ He will definitely say this.
7/1 Jose Mourinho will ramp up his psychological warfare against Barcelona. He’s already grown a minor pair of tits, that’s his long game. He hasn’t done it by accident, but neither us nor Pep Guardiola quite know what they’re there for just yet. We will in due course, you can believe that. Tonight though, things will be slightly less subtle. Expect Mourinho to pitch up in the centre of defence for AC Milan, wearing a mask of revolution-era Franco, man marking Lionel Messi out of the game. He will not break sweat.
10/1 Marseille will actually win a game, think they’ve turned a Houllier, and will proceed to lose their next domestic match. It’s in the stars.
50/1 Liverpool will clinch qualification to the knock out stages of the European Champions League. Luis Suarez will score a perfect hat-trick, Steven Gerrard will bound across the pitch personifying humility, and Jamie Carragher will be an example of pure respect and dignity. Andy Carroll will look like a Geordie battering ram, slotting goal after remorseless goal past the opposition keeper. Put all your money on Liverpool, chaps, this is their year.
Whatever happens, please don’t thank us when these tips come off, as they surely will. We’ll be in our yachts.