The Surreal Football Team Of The Week

Goalkeeper, Tim Krul

Krul’s saves from Ryan Giggs and someone else I forget were spectacular. More than that, they were crucial to Newcastle nicking a point at Old Trafford. Give a fuck? Nah. Krul’s performance was impressive because once again he defied his ludicrous appearance to not be a ludicrous goalkeeper. He looks to be on the verge of a mistake every time he walks onto a football pitch, but does he make one? No. Well, sometimes. But the point is, not on Saturday. Congratulations Tim Krul, you didn’t done a fuck up.

Right Back, Micah Richards

Still not associated with England, Richards is doing better and better at not being an England player. The only worry I have for him is that there will come a time when he does play for England. And then we can say goodbye to excellent performances against Newcastle and Liverpool in consecutive weeks and hello to Glen Johnson Part Two, one of those jokes that isn’t funny.

Centre Half, John Terry

He scored, didn’t he? That justifies him, then. John Terry, with his square head and thick skull. John Terry, with his captain’s armband like a security blanket. The antithesis of everything Andre Villas Boas wants to do at Chelsea, justified with another header from corner.

Centre Half, Ashley Williams

More talent than a brick wall, but slightly less than a kitchen sink, Williams is at once appalling and quite good. Just because Aston Villa decided not to try and score on Sunday in some kind of bizarre ritual which people are calling ‘Alec McLeish’s tactics,’ doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve credit for yet another clean sheet. No, the reason he doesn’t deserve credit is because Swansea’s midfield is so defensive, so possession oriented, he has nothing to do. Why is he in the team of the week then? I just wanted the chance to insult him and I thought this was quite a clever way of slipping it in.

Left Back, Benoît Assou-Ekotto

How often does a left back stand out in a week’s worth of football? I couldn’t say. This weekend no left back stood out for me; I didn’t watch any highlights and most of the football I watched was dire. So I’ve chosen Benoît Assou-Ekotto because he played in a team that won. Good on him for being a winner.

Right Winger, Daniel Sturridge

Give the man a chance. Good feet for an Englishman, able to pass and score goals. He can even Do Good Tricks. He can plainly do it for a big club, and is outperforming both Didier Drogba and Fernando Torres. Peversely, it’s probably his price tag keeping him out of the team. If he cost untold millions then Andres Villas Boas would be compelled to pick him regardless of form, rather than because of it.

Midfielder, Rory Delap

Usually mocked for being absolutely rubbish at football with the exception of his long throws, on Saturday he was arguably Stoke City’s man of the match. His clever use of not throwing the ball long caused confusion in the admittedly crap Blackburn Rovers defence, and his header to open the scoring was the best goal of the match.

Midfielder, Javier Pastore

Again he continues to light up the French first division with a mixture of sultry looks and effervescent displays. The scorer of two and the creater of another five in just ninety minutes, perhaps even the money of Paris Saint-Germain will be able to keep him from bigger things. I’m joking, of course, he was crap and has been for a while now.

Left Winger, Gareth Bale

All the conjecture and counter-conjecture is over. Old thunderthighs is back, and he’s the player we all knew he was all along. 21-year-olds don’t score a hat-trick at the San Siro for a team of 10 men unless they’re going to be special. For all the mock indignation at Bale’s supposed status as one of the greats, could anyone point is in the direction of a superior player in his position and age group[QUESTION MARK]

Striker, Javier Hernandez

Two things were made clear by Javier Hernandez’s stomach-rammed effort against Newcastle – that ’1-0 Hernandez’ is going to be a popular scoreline this season, and that it needs to be if United are to have any hope of winning the title. Whilst he has certain attributes that make him a success in MODERN FOOTBALL, like pace, the fact is that he’s also a good old-fashioned goalscorer of the most mystical kind, who will conjure scuffed, crap goals from nothing, leaving the rest of the United team to focus on destroying football. That should’ve worked against Newcastle, were they not twice denied by the linesman. It’s the only battle-plan which can hope to contend with City’s megabucks this season.

Striker, Emmanuel Adebayor

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