94 min: Terry is booked for dissent, and Ryan Taylor is booked for rough housing Sturridge. Full time.

92 min: Goal! Newcastle 0-3 Chelsea (Sturridge). Again, he receives the ball on the right, he cuts left, into the box and a low strikes finally goes into the goal. Then he prays. Urgh.

91 min: Four minutes of added time, and we’ve played one. 1+3=4

88 min: Goal! Newcastle 0-2 Chelsea (Kalou). Fernando Torres latches onto a through ball, he’s in the clear but he doubles back, shoots at the legs of Perch. He gets the ball back and lays it off to Kalou. His shot can only be palmed backwards by Krul, and it finds the net. Steven Taylor has walked off injured, and Newcastle don’t have a sub to replace him.

85 min: Kalou’s shot from distance saved easily. Moments before Torres and Sturridge combine to waste possession. Chelsea don’t look effective, Newcastle look too tired to do anything more. Newcastle will need to use that £35 million from Andy Carroll’s sale which is definitely all available to Alan Pardew. It’s resting in the same account as Ferguson’s Ronaldo money, presumably.

84 min: Sturridge booked now for volleying a ball away after the whistle was blown. Stupid man.

83 min: Sturridge through on goal, again. Sturridge with a poor shot, again. Tim Krul with a decent save, again.

80 min: Fuck! Shola Ameobi on the edge of the box, and his shot is high and hard, hitting the corner of the woodwork. So close, Cech was nowhere near it.

78 min: Right, Drogba’s coming off for Fernando Torres. I reckon he’ll slot in at left back.

77 min: Demba Ba challenges for a bouncing ball in the box. Terry defends well, and Demba Ba collapses to the floor. Romeu feels left out, so he’s fallen to the ground too, and is receiving treatment. What is this, mass hysteria? Well, it’s in a football ground so I suppose so. Torres is coming on for someone. A Chelsea player I reckon.

75 min: Andi Thomas has his say on the football: ‘The Northern Line IS running. Good service, apparently.’ I had a drink with Andi on Wednesday, and I believe the football community etiquette is I should have taken photos of every one of the drinks, and discussed it incessantly on Twitter. Because we are on the INTERNET and we do FOOTBALL and we are IMPORTANT. What fucking cunts the internet has produced. Fuck off.

73 min: Off the line from Terry! The cross to Ba is flapped at by Cech, and Sammy Ameobi volleys a left foot shot goalwards, straight at Terry. Juan Mata is coming off, Salomon Kalou comes on. Salomon Kalou has made over 10,000 substitute appearances for Chelsea.

72 min: Sturridge, twisting and turning, finds space and cuts inside. He pokes a pass through to Mata who stretches for the ball in the box, and can’t direct his shot on target. It was good work from Sturridge yet again, but slightly let down at the final moment, yet again. He could be some player, or he could be Milan Baros. It’s hard to tell so far.

70 min: Ivanovic tackles Ameobi, intercepting a cross to give away a corner. Peter Lovenkrands is off, Sammy Ameobi comes on in time for the corner. Cabaye takes it, and it’s headed miles clear by Didier Drogba.

69 min: Is the Northern Line running today? Someone do me a solid and look it up.

67 min: Amusingly, Ashley Cole stoops for a ball bouncing in the box, and Demba Ba tries to hook the ball goalwards, clanging Cole’s head. That’s cheered me up a little. A little, as Ashley Cole seems fine. Shola Ameobi runs the ball out for a goal kick.

66 min: Demba Ba’s shot doesn’t matter. Another nice turn from Ba resulting in another blocked shot from Ba. Demba Ba’s shot doesn’t matter. Does Juan Mata matter?

65 min: I mean, what actually matters?

63 min: Meireles is down in a heap. He got a whack from Simpson on the heid as the two slide for the ball. The game is more pedestrian now, the teams struggling to keep up the pace of the first half, and maybe the substitutions and formation changes killing their rhythm. Doesn’t really matter, does it?

61 min: Lovenkrands’ cross is claimed by Cech, and Terry runs into him in the process. Torres, on the bench next to a mardy looking Lampard, looks quite forlorn.

59 min: Ameobi picks out Obertan on the right with a lovely pass. Obertan has time, looks up, and delivers a terribly lazy cross, pulling the ball back to evade everyone in the area. Raul Meireles is coming on for Frank Lampard, which is the correct decision. Lampard has been largely ineffective, and his energy – now gone – was his main virtue. He’s also definitely got a fat arse now. The downfall of man.

56 min: Danish tactics corner, with Kalle Weis Fogh: ‘Could be a 4-4-2 with Løvenkrands pushed up front. But Jonathan Wilson I am not, so could be wrong.’ Is Jonathan Wilson as lovely and sunshiny as you, though?

54 min: Terry concedes a corner after heading out a Ryan Taylor long through. Cabaye’s corner i into the danger area, and Drogba almost deflects an own goal in, but it hits the bar. Chelsea spring forward through Sturridge down the right, picking out Ramires. He has space to shoot but Krul puts in yet another block, to give away a corner, from which comes nothing. Frantic stuff.

52 min: Madness. Danny Simpson can’t cut out a cross to Drogba, who chests the ball down. He absolutely thwacks a volley straight past Krul. On the replay, it becomes apparent the effort is miles wide and ruffles the side netting.

50 min: Newcastle have started well, with most of the possession. There attempts to get something today will be hampered by the quality of some of their players. For all their success, the squad is really week at Newcastle. Danny Guthrie, Shola Ameobi, Peter Lovenkrands and James Perch are all on the pitch at once, for example. Shola Ameobi shoots at a forest of Chelsea legs, and it comes back out for Obertan – another poor player – to cross at a Chelsea player.

48 min: Lovenkrands takes down a header from Ameobi. He spreads the ball left for Ryan Taylor to cross. His cross is rubbish.

46 min: What do I know: it’s a tactical change, Newcastle now playing a 4-4-2. The bloggers will be furious.

45 min: Shola Ameobi is on for Hatem Ben Arfa. I assume for an injury, but what do I know?

We’re about to start the second half, David Luiz comes out in deep discussion with his colleague the lion tamer.

Half time highlights. 101 Great Goals with the clips.

45 + 2 min: Cabaye’s corner is headed away.  He has another go but John Terry again gets his head to it.  That’s the last chance for Newcastle this half. Chelsea are one up. It’s half time.

44 min: David Luiz gives the ball away on the right wing and only a mdifielder – Ramires I think – covering for him saves Chelsea from Ba’s break. David Luiz is just thick, really.

40 min: A waste. Sturridge runs on to a through ball, he’s one on one with the keeper, the centre backs trailing behind him, but he can’t evade Tim Krul. As good as Sturridge has been, he’s had three chances and scored none. Drogba has one chance and one goal.

38 min: Goal! Newcastle 0-1 Chelsea (Drogba). Cole takes a disputed throw in, Mata volleys in a wonderful near post cross, and Drogba steams in past Perch to head past Krul. The throw in had come off Taylor for Newcastle to win the throw in, but most of the fans and Newcastle players seem to have missed that.

35 min: Lampard stands a cross up, but Krul is out quickly to catch.  Newcastle break, and Obertan skips past Cole to pass into Ba on the penalty spot. Ba falls under the challenge, it’s not a foul but the crowd appeal sas if it were. Farce now! A great cross is put in for Ba by Ben Arfa who heads against the post. It comes to Terry, who boots it straight at Luiz, and Terry is required to clear it off the line. Terry looks furious with Luiz, but he shouldn’t have kicked the ball right at him, should he?

30 min: Here’s Kalle Weis-Fogh, possibly the most sexually begutted man in existence. ‘Whats wrong with Lampz? Just because he is rich and beauti…oh, sorry, someones used this argument before. As you were then.’ I hate him because of everything he says and does. A Newcastle corner is wasted, but it doesn’t matter. Kalle’s here now.

29 min: Mata gets in space with ease on the left with a deft flick round Simpson, his cross curls in towards Drogba, waiting to volley home. Ryan Taylor slides in brilliantly to put it out for a corner. Now he’s England material again. The two ensuing corners don’t beat the first man. I am shocked.

27 min: Coloccini, who has struggled with a back injury for a few weeks, is replaced by James Perch. Apparently he’s a risible clown, so let’s see how he finds Daniel Sturridge.

26 min: EDR again. ‘Imagine if England played players like Daniel Sturridge. You can’t say they’d win more, but they’d be fun to watch. With him and Juan Mata, Chelsea certainly are. Can’t we just say that’s good enough?’ Apparently goals are overrated, Ethan. Fun is for commoners. You know that, that’s why Surreal Football is so unpopular.

24 min: Now Cech’s turn. Lovenkrands cuts back to cross, and Ba gets a toe in front of the defender Terry. His volley is struck well, but straight in line with Petr Cech who shoots a hand up to push the ball over. A smart save, but one you’d expect him to make. It’s games like this that make me not want to ask for pie suggestions during the game.

23 min: This is getting silly. Sturridge skins Coloccini, and shoots at the side netting. He should have crossed, but the amount of chances here is ridiculous. Ryan Taylor needs to score a thirty yarder again to prove he is actually a good defender.

22 min: More excellence from Krul, Mata and Sturridge. Mata threads and excellent ball through to Sturridge down the right, he puts a hard, low shot at goal only for Krul to get down well and smother it. The other players haven’t been all that, but these three are making the game worth watching.

20 min: Drogba squares the ball to Ramires, who lays the ball off to Sturridge. He spins outside the box to find some space, and pulls a shot wide of the goal. Sturridge deserves the praise he is getting right now. He seems Not English.

17 min: Ethan Dean-Richards puts things straight. ‘Two options for David Luiz (and John Terry, actually): he’s either so thick he can’t change his game even sightly, or he thinks he’s right to wander where and when he wants. Both ways: he’ll be out under my management.’ Does Andres Vish Bosh know he’s out already?

14 min: Getting a bit heated now. Ben Arfa tackled hard by Romeu in the corner of the pitch, but no foul given. It was a fair but tough tackle. Now Chelsea break wth Ivanovic down the right but Newcastle get back in numbers quickly. The ball comes to Sturridge again on the right, who skips past Taylor and whacks a shot at goal, again pushed onto the post by Krul. Corner for Chelsea.

13 min: Bias alert. The hugely dislikeable Tory Frank Lampard misses, Tim Krul pushing a low effort onto his left hand post.

12 min: Penalty! Sturridge sprints down the right channel, he takes three steps in the box and Cabaye challenges for it, managing only to trip the striker. Lampard to take.

9 min: Nothing from the free kick, but Romeu fouls Ben Arfa in the centre circle, so we start again with Newcastle in possession. Newcastle have started to edge this, and it’s mainly because a) Chelsea are knackered thirtysomethings and b) David Luiz.

8 min: Dreadful again from Luiz, who toes it past Ba and then is felled. Chelsea scramble to win the ball back with an interception from Ashley Cole. Terry has fallen to the ground, essentially to get a break, and is back up now as Newcastle take a free kick halfway into Chelsea’s half.

6 min: Demba Ba is up after treatment, and Ryan Taylor puts the ball limply into the wall. Terrible free kick.

3 min: The improving Ramires runs seventy yards but can’t lay the ball off to Drogba. A bit of waste there. Now! This is silly. David Luiz bundles over Demba Ba who was getting on the end of a through ball. To my mind, that’s a red card, but he’s only booked. That’s not a great decision. David Luiz’s decision wasn’t very good either. Play him at right back, in midfield if you want, but not in the middle. It’s madness.

2 min: Chelsea start brightest, with most of the possession, kept mainly in Newcastle’s half. No chances yet though. At the very least Juan Mata is playing, and he’s flip hot.

1 min: Alright, not long left.

There will be a minute’s applause for Gary Speed. 

Some advice to John Terry if he wants to abuse people without using racism (not that he did, of course). 

Got distracted by The Sopranos finale. If you haven’t seen the series and this clip has ruined it for you, I can only say you deserve it. Lazy.

Regular readers (reader) will have spotted I initially put up the wrong email address. Refresh for the correct one.

Team news, listlessly culled:

Chelsea lineup (4-3-3): Cech; Ivanovic, D. Luiz, Terry, Cole; Ramires, Romeu, Lampard; Sturridge, Drogba, Mata

Substitutes: Turnbull, Bertrand, Bosingwa, Meireles, Malouda, Kalou, Torres

Newcastle United lineup (4-4-1-1): Krul; Simpson, S.Taylor, Coloccini, R.Taylor; Obertan, Cabaye, Guthrie, Lovenkrands; Ben Arfa; Ba

Substitutes: Harper, Santon, Perch, Gosling, Sammy Ameobi, Shola Ameobi, Best

Anyway, some music, as this site rapidly falls apart due to lack of enthusiam. It’s apropos:

Preamble. Always with the preamble. This might be the first interesting match I’ve done for the site. There’s one decent side in good form and one good side in terrible form. For all that John Terry and Frank Lampard try to sabotage otherwise, Chelsea are still a handy side. There’s Newcastle United, with Alan ‘I’ve never even seen her!’ Pardew doing his thing…

This preamble is going nowhere. This isn’t the best league in the world. This isn’t the best city in England. It’s terrible. I’ve been absent mindedly scrolling through property websites to understand just quite why I’m still living in London. There are flats going for sensible rates, and yet I’m stuck in this cold, infested rat hole. As soon as this game finishes I’m off to the train station and I’m not sure I feel like coming back.

London sickens me. Let’s get on with the game!