Premier League Team of the Week
Hello and welcome to Surreal Football’s second attempt at a Best of the Week XI. Last time was fun, but this time is serious. All of the top teams won in the Premier League this weekend and that needs a response of matching weight from us, European Football’s Premier Experts. We’re not happy to just choose XI players at random and then try and justify them as some kind of pathetic joke which only we will laugh at, is what I’m trying to say. So here’s our Serious Best XI from this weekend’s football action:
Goalkeeper: John Ruddy
Manchester City, Norwich’s opponents this weekend, currently average more than three goals a game in the Premier League, the most competitive of all the top leagues, no less. Thus when smalltime Norwich came to town in what was all-but another FA Cup second round fixture, their goalkeeper wasn’t expected to have much of an impact on the game. Already the likes of David De Gea, Pepe Reina and Michel Vorm – The Vorminator – have found themselves able to do little against City’s absolute quality. But John Ruddy wasn’t having it. Just one goal down and still fighting, Norwich’s goalkeeper stepped up and made his impact, allowing a forty-yard free-kick to bounce past him. 2-0, game over.
A game-changer against Manchester City, and how many other players will say that this season?
Right-back: Micah Richards
Since last week, when Richards was picked for our inaugural XI, he has still not been picked for England. It’s excellent work regardless of there having been a squad picked between now and then. Still not an England player, Richards has continued to be good for Manchester City, helping to tear into Norwich this weekend. Though it has to be said that he’s playing in by miles the best team, which Dani Alves will tell you is a major advantage for any full-back who’s poor defensively, he’s probably looked the best right back in the Premier League this season. Only an England call-up can stop him from becoming semi-decent/not bad.
Centre-back: Michael Dawson
We don’t know how long it’s been or when it happened or what’s happened, but we realised this week that Michael Dawson has disappeared. Injury? Sex addiction? We just don’t know. All we know is that he’s gone, and we respect that (not playing) in a player.
Centre-back: Jonny Evans
He’s been criticised a lot for the past eighteen months but things have turned around. With this inconsistency his passing, heading, tackling, concentration and positional sense have all suffered. He needed to look at his game and decide how best to make a difference for Manchester United. He worked it out. He didn’t play.
Left back: Ashley Cole
Another player uncharacteristically out of sorts, Ashley Cole has struggled to perform to his normal high standards. Those lofty peaks are still missing, but there was an improvement of sorts. Yes, first of all most of Newcastle’s chances came down the left hand side as Ivanovic and Luiz struggled, but Ashley Cole did what the people wanted: he got kicked really hard in the head.
Right-wing: David Cameron
No man has done more for the way we think about the right wing than this man in the last two years.
Midfield: Scott Parker
“I don’t see anyone who could make us a better team from the ones who are possibly available.” – Alex Ferguson.
Midfield: Mikel Arteta
Showed his stunning psychic powers by contriving to incite a rare blunder from Ali Al-Habsi as he hit his saveable score-opening shot goalwards. Does this joke work? Do Vampires have mind-control? They do now.
Left-wing: Ed Miliband
According to Dave Cameron, but we’re not sure he’s ever played there. Maybe he should give it a try.
Striker: Emile Heskey
Some have said that Sir Emile’s star is on the wane – that he belongs to a forgotten age, ill-equipped for modern football. Nonsense – he proved his doubters entirely wrong by managing to trend on Twitter after being subbed on. What could be more modern and with-it than that! Whether the terrible miss from three yards, the shot that went out for a throw-in, or the fact he was making his 500th Premier League appearance instigated his surge in relevance, we couldn’t say.
False 9: Javier Hernandez
We’ve been saying it for weeks now, Hernandez has to start if Manchester United are going to win. He played on Saturday and Manchester United closed down victory in the most boring game of all. In order to make the games slightly more exciting we recommend that he also finishes games.