94 min: Spurs are finding it hard to keep possession or get forward often, now down to ten men. Stoke break – it’s Wilson getting tackled at the last by Defoe. The game is frantic now, but it’s full time. Stoke win after a very calm, I would say is the right word, performance.

91 min: Scott Parker clears out Peter Crouch on the left wing, and is rightly booked.

90 min: Stoke have had most of the recent possession. There are five minutes left. Palacios is noticeably more energetic as the other players have faded over the second half, making a couple of excellent interceptions.

88 min: And now Wilson Palacios replaces Matthew Etherington.

87 min: Crouch and Walter’s break ends when they’re both just too tired. Spurs have a few minutes left to score, Stoke a few minutes left to keep Spurs out. Right now I’d expect Stoke to do it. Giovani Dos Santos is coming on for Van Der Vaart.

86 min: ‘He’s been here before, Chris Foy. Literally.’ What does that mean? He’s been to Stoke?

84 min: Excellent save from Shawcross. A near post header from a corner is instinctively turned over. He is an excellent goalkeeper, Friedel. The next corner is to Shawcross again, and this time he hits the bar!

83 min: Rory Delap is on for Woodgate. Delap is just the poor man’s Shotton.

80 min: Wilson booked for timewasting at a throw in. Some subs for both teams will be on soon as we get our funk on. Kaboul is now booked, and sent off for his second yellow. He tripped Etherington with a careless foul. It’s not a booking, it’s a farce. For fuck’s sake. Ehterington’s free kick cleared.

78 min: Peters, not Peter’s. The shot from Defoe did his Whitehead’s arms, but I’m not sure what the rules exactly are for handball. I’ll look them up for next time rather than talk jazz. Woodgate wins a freekick from Adebayor, the striker nudging him to the ground.

77 min: Woodgate deflects a corner for a Spurs corner. Modric’s corner is too long, but Defoe wallops the next cross towards goal from just six yards. Defoe calls for a handball furiously, but Foy says no. Stoke break but the move peter’s out and Spurs are back attacking.

74 min: Modric twists on the edge of the box, and his long shot is deflected towards goal. Sorensen’s dive is good enough to divert it. From the corner, Huth clears from Kaboul on the line! Adebayor then has a chance to score in the six yard box as the attack continues. There’s lots to say here. One, it was Shawcross who cleared first actually – with his elbow – and Adebayor scored from the chance but was wrongly called offside. Oh, referee.

72 min: Another long throw from Shotton. Urgh. It’s cleared, and Tottenham now have possession. Bale’s first time volleyed cross from a cross pitch pass is out for a goal kick.

70 min: Twenty minutes? How many seconds is that? Bale has a wobbly, punching the ball away when he’s denied a deserved corner. The ref doesn’t see it so he doesn’t get booked for his red-faced entitlement.

68 min: Stoke win a free kick  about twenty five yards from goal, Wilson’s shot deflected by Bale for a corner. Don’t worry Callum, Bale’s alright.

65 min: Scott Parker put free by Modric, his rising shot from outside the box is tipped over by Sorensen. The corner ping pongs but it’s cleared eventually. Spurs come back again, though, and they look so much more likely to score now. Adebayor’s curling shot just inside the box is a couple of yards wide.

63 min: Modric is being booed because he dived, and that’s multiplied beccause he’s foreign.

62 min: Goal! Stoke City 2-1 Spurs (Adebayor). His penalty is calmly taken, to his right. The game will require my attention now, sadly.

61 min: Penalty! Modric drops his shoulder and Stoke’s Glenn Whelan flicks a leg out and Modric dives/falls under tiny contact.

60 min: Bale gets a great cross into the six yard box but it’s cleared with a diving header by Shawcross. Great defending. Van der Vaart’s corner is cleared well, as is Kaboul’s cross. Spurs have most of the possession, but with so many good players on the pitch it seems a waste that they limit themselves only to crossing. As I type this, Walker gets space on the right nimbly, only for his cross to be deflected away.

58 min: As hard as I wish, the game keeps going. Modric ambles up the pitch and lays it off to Defoe. Surprisingly, it is wellied over by some distance.

55 min: Gallas unchallenged on the edge of the box, he passes wide to Walker who can only manage a pointless cross, far too heavy. Spurs look unlikely to score one, and would really struggle to score two.

53 min: Our first pompous emailer is George Templeton: ‘Stoke were a mid-table championships side when Tony Pulis returned to the Brittania Stadium. They’ve only been promoted, advanced to an FA Cup final and become an established Premier League side? So what?! How about well done?’ And drugs companies make lots of money but they’re still damaging for society.

53 min: He does kick it.

52 min: Adebayor’s cross is deflected by Shawcross. Modric’s corner is headed hard and high by Bassong, and Stoke City have the goal kick. The goal keeper will kick this one, I reckon.

50 min: The largely incompetent Crouch challenges for a Walters cross, can’t win it, and the ensuing corner is wasted. Football games should last for 45 minutes, it’d be easier for us all.

48 min: Another long throw. Great stuff. I’ve got an erection.

46 min: Another Shotton long throw. Ok, I get it. Stoke win a corner. It’s like shooting diagonally on Kick Off. It works, but so what?

45 min: Can anyone send me a link for a decent parsnip puree? Cheers. Spurs start brightly but Stoke happy to punt the ball up the other end.

Subs: Lennon off for Defoe, and Assou-Ekotto off for Bassong. Efan Ekoku still commentating. We kick off.

On her 30th birthday, Britney Spears:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QImOuBaYsmU&feature=relmfu

Here are the goals for you yeah?

45 min + 2 min: Half time. Ah, that’s nice. An hour of work left and then I can get stuck into the life enhancer. Spurs seem to be going nowhere, and Stoke City are back to their usual effectiveness. They deserve their lead. I don’t like Spurs, but this isn’t living for Stoke, is it?

41 min: Goal! Stoke City 2-0 Spurs (Etherington). Scott Parker puts the ball out for a throw in, carelessly. Spurs are off their game, and Shotton almost gets round the back of the Spurs defence until Gallas intercepts. Still, Shotton has another long throw in line with the penalty box, and it’s flicked on, and Etherington clips a shot into the goal over Friedel! Friedel, slipped, and there was nobody on the line to clear. Careless defending, and well executed by Stoke.

38 min: Another Spurs corner, this time cleared by Whelan. Van der Vaart spreads the play to Assou-Ekotto whose cross to Adebayor is cleared. Stoke break down the right wing but they’re unable to make anything of it, Spurs now more solid in defence as Stoke attack with fewer men. Spurs come up the other end again, but Adebayor’s shot from distance is saved easily. This is end-to-end, and boring. Well done England!

35 min: It’s all Spurs, but they have few ideas but getting the ball wide. To their advantage, they’re capable of keeping the ball until that becomes possible, but Stoke are one of the more capable teams when it comes to defending crosses. Lennon receives the ball on the left as Parker passes and is tackled late (Parker, not Lennon). The winger cuts in from the left and gets a low shot on to Sorensen’s near post, but the  keeper gets behind it.

32 min: Parker and Walters have a row, and the corner is wasted carelessly. It looks like it hit Shawcross, but it wasn’t deliberate. I don’t know what that means regarding the validity of any penalty claim, so I won’t make an argument one way or the other. NETHERTON OUT!

30 min: From the free kick a shot is directed for a corner. Van der Vaart is forced to retake because he’s an officious waste of everyone’s time. It’s put out for a throw. Spurs are dominating now, but they’re out of their rhythm. I’m going to go to the pub tonight. Modric has a long shot, catching Sorensen off guard! He just reaches it to push it round the post.

28 min: Self-facilitating media node questions. The new Twitter – purely designed to slow down your browser while giving you a brain tumour? I miss plain text browsing. Try this.  Meanwhile, a cross from Spurs evades everyone. Bale collects on the edge of the pitch and Stoke eventually win back possession, lose it almost instantly, and Woodgate has to hack Lennon to the floor to prevent the cross. He gets booked for his trouble.

25 min: Spurs under pressure and Adebayor clears for a Stoke corner. Huth can only head the corner over at the near post. Ah well. I suppose playing the type of football you hate is the price you pay to spend your Sunday evening with high class hookers and champagne. Does Stoke have high class hookers? Does anywhere?

23 min: The game meanwhile. The game. Spurs are playing like children, and Stoke are playing like Stoke, except an on form Stoke. Finay Van Der Vaart decides to do something constructive, a long, low shot that Sorensen can claim easily, diving to his left.

22 min: Templeton replies: ‘That is unmitigated nonsense. He’s an underrated player often terribly misused! Few big men are as skillful and he isn’t a diving piece of crap like say Zlatan Ibrahimovic is. That was an excellent assist and despite all the stick he takes, he’s scored some very good and very important goals for Spurs when he played for them! Granted he usually only scores against minnows for England but the fact is he still scores when he plays for them.  And I never get all the bellyaching about the long throws? Stoke are the only team that makes a throw in exciting. It’s boring when everyone else do it, but interesting when they do. What is the freaking problem?!’ That’s such bullshit I almost blocked you. I love being the one with power. Stalin had it right.

20 min: Tottenham have a corner. It doesn’t beat the first man, and now Whitehead goes down clutching his head on the byline after Assou-Ekotto elbows him in the head. It wasn’t malicious, but it was dangerous and also stupid. Everyone gets on like they’re adults. Salut!

17 min: Here’s George Templeton, who apparently can’t be bothered to spell my name properly, the extra letters too much effort: ‘Peter Crouch 1, Alex Netheron 0 after that assist!’ Yes, the man who is nothing but matter – no brain, spirit or ability – put me in my place. His miss was nothing but concentrated genius. Peter Crouch is useless. Next.

12 min: Goal! Stoke City 1-0 Spurs! (Etherington) Shotton with another long throw. Messily cleared and Spurs break. Whelan wins it back and gives Shotton the opportunity to cross. It’s a real up and under, and it drops to Crouch. His shot at the edge of the six yard box is repelled but Etherington is there to put the rebound into an empty net. Stoke deserve this, but they make me want to cry.

10 min: Bale breaks down the left and squares a cross for Huth to put out for a corner. Van der Vaart’s corner goes straight out. Pisspoor.

8 min: Shotton takes a long throw. Now there are two of them. Is this their cantera? Because if it is I’ll kill myself. Stoke win a corner from the throw, and that ludicrous skinsack Peter Crouch attempts a terrible, hopeless overhead kick. It’s out for a throw on. If I wasn’t at home and quite warm I’d be annoyed at having to do this. I know what I’m having for dinner, so I’m happy. Adebayor can’t reach a long ball, and Sorensen gets to do a boot up the pitch now. Why did I start writing about football if I don’t like football?

5 min: Shotton picks up the ball on the right wing and gets just into the box before releasing a shot that is dragged well wide of the goal. It was a really poor effort, and I hope to Christ this isn’t an indication of what is to come.

4 min: Etherington’s pull back to Crouch is miscontrolled by Peter Crouch because he’s quite bad at football. Bale sprints up the other end and falls over because he’s actually quite fey.

3 min: Luka Modric should shave his head. He just doesn’t look Croatian. Scott Parker should shave his head because he has a ludicrous haircut.

1 min: It begins. A long through from Delap, and Etherington has a shot from the knock down. It’s straight at the diving Friedel who pushes it wide.

Football question. Does anyone know how to stop the liveblog plugin for WordPress stop leaving database connections open? It’s killing me.

Question. Is there a more versatile liver than pig’s liver?

It’s Ryan. ‘Shotton progressed through the Stoke City Academy and signed a professional contract in 2007. He went on loan to Altrincham, Tranmere Rovers and Barnsleyrespectively in order to gain first team experience. He broke into the Stoke squad towards the end of the 2010–11 season.’

Team news and co?

Tottenham Hotspur (4-4-1-1): Friedel; Walker, Gallas, Kaboul, Assou-Ekotto; Lennon, Modric, Parker, Bale; Van der Vaart; Adebayor

Subs: Gomes, Bassong, Corluka, Giovani, Pienaar, Sandro, Defoe.

Stoke City (4-4-2): Sorensen; Woodgate, Shawcross, Huth, Wilson; Shotton, Whelan, Whitehead, Etherington; Walters, Crouch

Subs: Begovic, Upson, Delap, Palacios, Jerome, Jones, Fuller.

Shotton. I don’t even know his first name.

Team news as soon as I’ve ctrl + c’d it from somewhere. Links appreciated.

IT’S THE PREAMBLE. Afternoon, thanks for spending your hard earned calories with me. Breathing in, breathing out, the damage constantly being done by free radicals to cells. You supplement with antioxidants, but there is no evidence that these supplements do you any good at all. The link hasn’t been made between vegetables, their antioxidants and a reduction in the chance of cancer, cuntos!

Seriously, though, do eat healthily.  We’ll kick off in a bit, whereupon the whole mess will continue unabridged for about two hours. TWO HOURS OF LIVE COVERAGE.