Illustrated Premier League Match Reports: The Weekend Round-Up like you’ve never seen featuring Manchester United, Liverpool, Arsenal, Tottenham, and a bunch of other teams yall assholes don’t care about

This again. Another week. “The intro.”

Feel it closing in. Feel it closing in. The fear of whom I call. Every time I call. I feel it closing in. I feel it closing in. Day in, day out. Day in, day out. Day in, day out. Day in, day out. Day in, day out. Day in, day out. I feel it closing in. As patterns seem to form. I feel it cold and warm. The shadows start to fall. I feel it closing in. I feel it closing in. Day in, day out. Day in, day out. Day in, day out. Day in, day out. Day in, day out. Day in, day out.

If you get it, great. If you don’t, doesn’t matter. But you should probably listen to better music.

This week was one of those “boring weeks” in the Barclays English Premier League schedule when seemingly all the uninteresting teams have to play each other.

Ok, not really, there were some interesting fixtures this week–from an “objective” standpoint or whatever. I wasn’t interested, and that’s what matters. I only did this for you, the reading public, out of contempt for everything you are.

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SWANSEA 2 – 0 FULHAM

American Hero Clint Dempsey let his team down today with an own goal, Scott Sinclair’s shot deflecting off his stuck-out thigh. Deuce almost made up for it by playing a genius through ball to Bryan Ruiz but Supervorm was himself and made the save. Danny Graham killed the game in stoppage time.

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LIVERPOOL 1 – 0 QPR

Luis Suarez scored a now-rare goal, the only one of the match despite total dominance by the Merseysiders.

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ARSENAL 1 – 0 EVERTON

To the great surprise of no one Robin van Persie scored a jaw-dropping volley off a golden arc of a lofted through ball from the Premier League’s Designated Wildman™ Alex Song.

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MANCHESTER UNITED 4 – 1 WOLVES

Headlines about this match all referred to United as “resurgent” and “rebounding” and several other similar words. But um, why? I guess Wayne Rooney and Nani both scored two goals after having not scored in a while or something. Sometimes, when you’ve gone through a dry spell sexually, you temporarily lower your standards and boink a few uggos, just to get back in the game you know? Just to get your groove back and shit, not because you have a fat fetish. That’s what my old roommate Chad “Brochill” Cuntington III used to say anyway.

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STOKE 2 – 1 TOTTENHAM

Spurs were legit robbed of a point on a cold Sunday afternoon away at the Britannia Stadium. Matthew Etherington scored two for the Potters with near identical movements because Tottenham’s marking was horrible in the first half. They got one back when Modric won a penalty that Adebayor scored, and Adebayor also had a goal incorrectly ruled offside, itself scored in a bit of chaos after a clear hand ball off the goal line by Ryan Shawcross that was not given. Sad day for Spurs and for everyone’s hopes of an interesting title race.

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WEST BROM 1 – 2 WIGAN

[spit take]

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NORWICH 4 – 2 NEWCASTLE

This was probably a great game, but I don’t care. Fuck you, I was sleepy.

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BOLTON 1 – 2 ASTON VILLA

Boring.

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SUNDERLAND 2 – 1 BLACKBURN

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See you boring fucks next week.