Where should Fernando Torres go in January?

There are quite a few questions that you should have answered before you start to act, not after: Was he definitely the one who threw it at you? Did hemean it? What time is Bargain Hunt on? Today’s example is: is Fernando Torres really available from Chelsea for £20million in January? But breaking our own rules again we’ve decided to assume that the answer is a big yes and offer up five places he might want to move to. Here they are.

Manchester United

Once you’re hated by Liverpool fans, as everyone is at some point in their lives, the knife needs twisting. It’s your duty to seek out ways to infuriate them. Torres’ £50million “bye bye now” to Chelsea last January, which was probably a good move for Liverpool, managed to make him a pariah at the club. Now, what move from there could have fans of ‘Pool dancing with white-hot fury? A move to Manchester United is the correct answer, doctor. Of course the move doesn’t make any sense as United have no money, and need a midfielder, not a striker, but that’s the fun in creating made-up scenarios. Come on, you know, it’s like when they do their tactics breakdowns, you just make it up.

Liverpool

What better way of breaking down fans as ludicrous arseholes than a return to Liverpool. Imagine the fun to be had watching the thickest of the thick attempt to explain why they’ve forgiven Torres for his heart-breaking betrayal. “I always knew he was a red. What? Yes, I had the tattoo removed at the time but I had it done on the cheap so you can still see a mark – so in a sense it’s still there.” Plus: Torres, Andy Carroll and Luis Suarez up front – the Axis of Shame – how fun would that be?

Real Madrid

A serious one, this. The pressure on Cristiano Ronaldo at Real is enormous. It’s too much for one man, or even a Nietzschean superman, to handle. Someone needs to be brought to bear the burden – some of the responsibility. When Ronaldo missed that header on Saturday night the world was onto him. All I think was “if Torres was playing, that miss would just pale in comparison to what El Mullet could produce.” With Torres in that team, Ronaldo’s misses just wouldn’t matter. Come on, Jose.

Athletico Madrid

Athletico have gone for Falcao up front. He’s not unbelievable. It might be nice to see him go back to his hometown team, too. “Enough of the shit, I’m going home,” might be nice to hear. I dunno why, but it would.

Arsenal

In the immortal words of Sir Robbie Williams, “the only gift you gave to me was self-fulfilling prophecy.” If only Wenger would listen, Robbie. For the Arsenal manager is genuinely being linked with a deal for Torres. A move for Torres, the second most injury-prone striker in the world, after Robin Van Persie, would be ace. How better to spend your evenings than by admiring Arsenal fans bemoaning their luck at having their best two strikers out injured? All the time knowing that it was always going to happen.