Who do the Big Four – plus Liverpool – need to bring back?

It’s the hip new old thing, bringing people out of retirement to provide solutions in times of austerity to cheer you up. Manchester United brought back Paul Scholes, for example. It’s not limited to football, though. The government got Michael Gove to bring back the spectre of the 1950s with suggestions of a new royal yacht. What says we’re all in it together than preparing a viking funeral for one of the most anachronistic, vile women in the country? At least, that’s what I assume the new yacht is for. Let’s not ruin the fantasy. We’ll bringing you more of these hard hitting analyses in future, from Euro 2012 betting to our top five sandwich fillers.

So, partly to distract ourselves from our day jobs, partly to make sure we had enough content posted in a day, and obviously, mainly, because we are committed to excellent journalism and analysis, we considered who the big four – and Liverpool – could bring back to improve their lot.

Liverpool

Liverpool are one of the few teams at the top (sic) not to have taken back an old boy. Manchester United brought back Manchester United’s Paul Scholes, once of Manchester United. Chelsea have brought Frank Lampard back from the bench and back to loitering around the box, and Thierry Henry is back from America to top up his ego at Arsenal. Liverpool need back up in all areas, so could sign Djimi Traore, Bernard Diomede, Emile Heskey, Salif Diao and El-Hadji Diouf. Why? You know why, Liverpool.

Arsenal

After another defeat due to hapless defending, we were greated to another of Arsene Wenger’s misplaced rants. It’s his art. If there was one player Wenger could have back, at his pomp, then they need a midfield general. Someone who can destroy games, see Arsenal through the nervy periods of a game and provide a throwback to their 90s heyday. You know who I mean. Step forward, Gilles Grimandi.

Manchester United

Paul Scholes aside, it would be nice to see somebody new in Manchester United’s midfield, for novelty value alone. Roy Keane and Ferguson presumably still get on fantastically, shouldn’t be too hard.

Manchester City

Soren Kierkegaard would fit in seamlessly, providing necessary cover for the banned Vincent Kompany, another philoposopher waxing moral victory.

Chelsea

David Luiz struggling , Gary Cahill out of form but bought nonetheless. What about Marcel Desaiily? A calm presence with plenty of Premier League experience, and with the authority to convince immediately. What’s that John? You know why, John.