Our guide to attending Real Madrid vs Barcelona and Arsenal vs Mancheter United
I know. You spend all day on the internet, talking about football but still basically avoiding human interaction. Someone on Twitter attacks Jimmy Wales for daring to make a living, as if that negates any particular political point he might be making? Block the idiot. Someone says that John Terry’s race charge is a fabrication of the media? Block them too. The problem is actually going to a football game. You can’t block anyone there. You can even engage in, ‘excessive standing,’ anymore. The trouble starts when you have to buy your tickets (if memory serves, there’s some kind of ticket kiosk, is there? Or you phone up the ticket kiosk? I don’t really remember. Of course, you call always buy football tickets online, but that’s just delaying the inevitable.
Here’s our guide to attending the big matches:
Real Madrid vs Barcelona, tonight.
Once you’ve exhumed the body of Franco and dressed it up as one of Jose Mourinho’s coaching staff, be sure to rest it against the side of the dugout, so that it doesn’t collapse. The bare skull is a hint, but if it went up in a puff of bonesmoke then the game would be well and truly up. Try to make friends with your Barcelona counterparts in the crowd. They’re the ones eating tapas, the most pointless food in the world, and carrying on like the precious Tories they are. ‘We pay more taxes proportionately than the rest of Spain,’ they’ll moan. ‘A) doesn’t that mean you’re fortunate enough to earn more, and wasn’t Barcelona a functioning anarchist settlement briefly in the Civil War? Look how far you’ve fallen. B) Do one.’ you respond. Oh look, the match is over. Enjoy the fisticuffs!
Arsenal vs Manchester United, some point this weekend, I’m told.
8-2 8-2 8-2. That counts as three words towards the aim of 400 minimum. Arsenal will have greater ambitions than that, hoping to put the humiliation to rest. Luckily, Cesc Fabregas hasn’t been missed with Roskicky, Arshavin and Walcott all on fine form. Manchester United will want to keep things tights and not fall further behind Manchester City. Our guide to attending the match – if you’re in the Arsenal end, stay very quiet, it’s tradition. If you’re in the Manchester United end, [lazy joke about Surrey, written by an arsehole].
There you have it, our guide to the week’s biggest games, and how to act when you’re there. You’re not going of course. You have no money, we’re in a recession, and you’re crippled by agorophobia anyway.
You can buy tickets here: TicketBis.