Full time: Barcelona 2-2 Real Madrid (4-3 on aggregate): It’s never quiet when Jose’s around.

Peep! Peep! Peep! The full-time whistle blows and Barcelona are through to the last four after a barmy game! There wasn’t enough time for Real Madrid, beaten yet again by their fiercest rivals. Real did everything but win there, though did pick up their obligatory red card. Barcelona have had a huge escape tonight.

90 min+2: It’s taken a while but Pepe finally has a yellow card for clattering into the back of Alves 30 yards from his own goal. Pointless. Barcelona have killed the game now.

90 min: Granero is booked for a studs-up challenge on Pique, though he didn’t actually catch him. With Real short at the back, Barcelona should finally end it, but from Alves’s dinked cross, Pedro heads straight at Casillas. He should have scored. Or left it for Messi. There will be three minutes for 10-man Real Madrid.

88 min: SERGIO RAMOS IS SENT OFF! Surprise, surprise, it’s for a foul on Busquets, who he caught with an arm. But that looked harsh. It wasn’t intentional. That could be the end of Real’s challenge. Notably he was embraced by Mourinho on the touchline.

86 min: The Camp Nou goes quiet again as the terrific Ozil wins a corner off Abidal on the right. Ozil swings it in, and Ronaldo leaps and heads wide.

84 min: Hearts in Real mouths again as Barcelona twice go close to a killer third goal. First Messi nearly got Pique – yes, Pique – in after another delightful run, but the pass was too heavy and Casillas got there first. Then Messi found some space outside the area and rapped a low drive inches past the right-post.

82 min: Messi’s free-kick from 25 yards bends over the wall and has Casillas worried but just dips over the top-right corner.

80 min: The cynical Coentrao picks up a booking – and should really be sent off for such useless defending – for a dead-eyed foul on Messi, who was going to be one-on-one with the last defender with Ramos caught up-field.

79 min: This is a sign of how much Barcelona are rocking: Javier Mascherano has come on for Alexis Sanchez. He won’t be playing up front.

78 min: Benzema has made such a difference. Puyol fails to deal with a long ball over the top and lets Benzema in. He takes it down and looks poised to score his second, but the ball wouldn’t sit right for him and Pinto is able to smother the danger and handily injure Benzema in the process.

76 min: Barcelona have been a complacent mess tonight. Ozil causes yet more havoc on the right. He’s tearing Abidal a new one. He beats the defender again, but his low drive is deflected wide by Puyol.

75 min: That should have been it. Ozil goes on another fabulous run, slipping past Abidal on the right, and cutting the ball back for Ronaldo who completely misses his kick from 10 yards out.

UNBELIEVABLE! Barcelona 2-2 Real Madrid (Benzema, 72 min): <raywilkins>My word!</raywilkins> It’s on! It! Is! On! Now Real just need one goal to go through, and you know, they might well get it, because Barcelona are suddenly rocking. It came from an error by Pique, whose lax clearance was headed back into the danger area for Benzema, who was sharp enough to read the situation, break into the area, lob the ball past the despairing Puyol and volley past Pinto. They couldn’t, could they?

70 min: The temperature rises again after Fabregas goes down holding his face after an arm in the face from Pepe. Again, the histrionics were not justified. That’s Fabregas’s last contribution. He’s replaced by the outrageously talented Thiago.

GOAL! Barcelona 2-1 Real Madrid (Ronaldo, 68 min): The comeback starts here. Ozil plays a superb slide-rule pass in between Abidal and Puyol for Ronaldo, who draws Pinto, skips round the goalkeeper and rolls the ball into the empty net. Expertly taken. They deserve that. Real Madrid now need two goals.

67 min: Granero finds himself in a pocket of space outside the Barcelona area, but wonks his volley high and wide.

65 min: Real have to score three times in the next 25 minutes to go through. No biggie. They might have got one back here though, as Arbeloa went on a good run down the right, hung it up for Callejon at the far post, but the midfielder makes a rather impressive mess of his header, allowing Pinto to quell the danger.

63 min: Real have had their fun. Barcelona aren’t giving them a sniff now.

62 min: When did Xabi Alonso turn into such a hatchet man?

61 min: Benzema comes on for Higuain, who wasted two golden opportunities. Callejon also replaces Kaka, who faded as the game went on.

58 min: Karim Benzema is getting ready to come on. It’s not an arm injury for Iniesta, he’s got a small tear in his hamstring. They’ve only got Thiago or Fabregas to play in midfield instead.

56 min: More theatrics from Pepe, who’s in a heap again after being caught by Fabregas. He’s surely going to be sold in the summer. His presence alone is enough to make everyone back Barcelona. “Only a margherita?” says Ally Poole. “Thought you’d splash out for El Clasico. I scored a goal a bit like Dani Alves’s in PE today.” Show-off.

54 min: Real thought they had a lifeline as Ramos heads in a free-kick from Alonso, but the whistle blows for a foul on Alves. It looked like the right decision as Ramos tugged him and headed in from six yards out. That shouldn’t disguise more terrible goalkeeping from Pinto, who came for the cross and got nowhere near it. Ronaldo is booked for dissent.

52 min: On that last Messi run, Diarra was scared to make a challenge as he’s already on a booking. With that, Mourinho cleverly removes him and brings on Esteban Granero.

51 min: Xavi fires the free-kick over the top. Real are already struggling to make more of an impression in this half.

50 min: Messi skidaddles in and out of the challenges and is eventually brought down by Ramos inside the D. How many times does he get fouled in these games?

49 min: Pepe nicks the ball off Fabregas and launches a ball over the top for Higuain to chase. Pinto is quick out of his area to head away though.

48 min: Not that Madrid should be worried or anything, but Barcelona were 2-0 at half time in the 5-0. And this time, they haven’t even played well.

46 min: Admit it, the denouement to the firs half was one of the funniest things you’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen Michael McIntyre live.

Email. “Jose will be tearing his hair out as we speak’” says John Reid, “How have Madrid managed to balls that up? In an unrelated now, just saw a terrible advert where the disembodied floating head of Ray Winstone gave Ray Winstone tacttics. The people behind it must be on LSD. Allegedly.”

Peep! Peep! The half time whistle blows. How on earth are Real Madrid 2-0 down. They have to score three times without reply now to go through – as ridiculous as it sounds, they should have managed that in the first 10 minutes.

GOAL! Barcelona 2-0 Real Madrid (Alves, 45 min+3): Pick that one out! The free-kick from the left is a waste of time, but it deflects out to the right side of the area to Alves, who runs on to the loose ball and absolutley pummels the life out of it with his right boot, sending an awesome shot screaming into the top-left corner. Mourinho must be wondering what his side has to do to beat this lot.

45 min+1: Diarra is lucky not to be sent off for a second booking after a poor challenge on Messi. The referee shows leniency, which prompts a full-out inquisition from Barcelona. He should be off, but just like last week, Real get away with it. In the end, Casillas is booked for his complaints.

45 min: Pepe is, how to put this, an arsehole. Messi gets a little revenge for that stamp on his hand last week with a hefty challenge on him and Pepe has a few rolls, clutches his face and gets up when Messi is booked. Probably worth the admission fee actually.

GOAL! Barcelona 1-0 Real Madrid (Pedro, 43 min): Well wouldn’t you just know it? Real Madrid should be 4-0 up – honest – but now they’re behind 3-1 on aggregate. As ever, it was all down to Messi, who was finally allowed a clear run at the Real defence. With everyone drawn to Messi, he was able to poke the ball to his left where Barcelona had two men clear. From just inside the area, Pedro struck a clean finish into the bottom-right corner, Casillas not moving a muscle.

39 min: Liverpool are through to the Carling Cup final after a 2-2 draw with Manchester City means they go through 3-2 on aggregate. They’ll face Cardiff in the final.

36 min: Pepe then immediately reverts to his usual idiotic self, pretending he’d been hit in the face by Pique as they waited for the corner to come in. A complete clown, this one. The referee, who’s mostly having a fine game, has a word with him, perhaps reminding him he’s not a 2-year-old.

35 min: Barcelona appeal for a penalty after Pepe cleanly tackles Sanchez in the area, the Chilean played through by a stunning pass from Xavi round the corner from the right. The corner is given.

33 min: The first glimpse of Mourinho on the touchline after Ronaldo is rather harshly booked for what looked like a fair challenge on Alves. The referee was going to play on, but the linesman, who couldn’t have had a better view than him, put his flag up for the foul.

31 min: The Camp Nou is in a state of shock at what they’ve seen in this first half. So’s Guardiola, who can hardly believe the utter sloppiness of his team.

30 min: Pedro replaces Iniesta, who has injured his arm after a foul from Arbeloa. Fabregas will move into midfield for Barcelona, who could be 4-0 down.Diarra picked up a booking a few minutes ago for a foul on Messi by the way.

26 min: Have you ever seen Barcelona play worse than this? After the earlier save from Higuain, Pinto nearly costs Barcelona a goal, as he passes the ball straight to the Argentinian on the right side of the area. Pinto atones for the error though, and blocks Higuain’s shot with his legs.

25 min: Ozil hits the bar with an incredible effort from 30 yards! The surprise was that he actually shot after tricking his way past Busquets, because he so rarely does. But this time, the ball whistled past the beaten Pinto and crashed against the underside of the bar, the ball bouncing down and just the right side of the line from Barcelona’s point of view. It came back to Higuain on the right, but his cross was plunged upon by Pinto, who is the far busier goalkeeper. “Dare I ask what flavour the pizza was,” asks Ally Poole. Margherita. I’m that kinda guy.

24 min: Messi is making Coentrao look like an oaf again. He skitters past him on the right and the left-back can only hack him down just outside the area.

20 min: Ronaldo has an ambitious pop from fully 35 yards out. It flies a few yards over the top, but it’s another moment of encouragement for the visitors, who are making all the running. Which just makes their tactics last week all the more puzzling. After all, surely Barcelona can’t play this badly for much longer.

 19 min: Pepe’s header actually hit Busquets on the arm, but luckily for Barcelona, Phil Dowd’s not the referee.

18 min: Ronaldo is released down the left again, in behind Alves. He twists and turns, but his low cross is dealt with by Puyol. The corner is whipped in from the left, and Busquets blocks a header behind at the near post. The second corner comes to nothing.

17 min: What is up with Barcelona? They are well below-par at the moment and are barely able to carry out the simplest of tasks.

15 min: Fabregas messes up a glorious chance for Barcelona. Suddenly he’s haring away done the left after a mistake from Alonso, and has both Messi and Sanchez to his right, with only one Real defender covering. Fbregas should delay the pass, but instead plays it far too early and slightly behind Messi, who has to check back, and with Real having got men back, he curls a weak one harmlessly wide from the edge of the area.

11 min: Why don’t Real do this every time against Barcelona? Kaka glides through the middle and with options left and right, he goes left, playing in Ronaldo. In a similar position from where he scored in the first leg, he hammers his shot straight at Pinto. This time, it doesn’t go through the goalkeeper’s legs. The combination of Kaka and Ozil looks to be a rather fruitful one for Real. That said, Barcelona are a total mess.

10 min: Barcelona have woken up and are giving a few warnings to Real now. Xavi chips a ball over the top for Sanchez, which was a big feature of the first leg. He gets in beteween Ramos and Coentrao, but can’t quite control the ball, which runs away from him, allowing Casillas to gratefully collect.

8 min: The first foul on Messi doesn’t take long. It could have been from Kaka, but eventually the free-kick is awarded against Ramos, around 30 yards from goal. Alves hammers the resulting free-kick straight into the wall, Roberto Carlos style.

7 min: It’s all Real, who have started as if they have something to prove. Which they do. Ozil darts inside from the right and feeds a pass to his left for Ronaldo, who swivels and fires a fierce effort just past the left post under pressure from Alves.

5 min: Real have already had more possession in this opening five minutes than they did in the last two matches against Barcelona combined.

3 min: Real should be 2-0 up already. Barcelona are all over the place. Alonso curls a free-kick in from the left, and the unmarked Higuain gets round the back and volleys goalwards from close range, Pinto, though, spreads himself to block the effort, and the ball rebounds off Higuain and out for a goal-kick. Amazing stuff.

2 min: On the touchline, Mourinho must be wondering if he did that on purpose. It was such a bad miss from Higuain.

Peep! We’re off. Barcelona get us going, kicking from right to left – and very nearly contrive to give away a goal inside 10 seconds. Pique lets a pass run behind him and then just stands there, looking like he’s had a pre-match puff. Higuain speeds past him, into the area and then sidefoots an awful effort wide of the far post from the left! That’s dreadful defending and an equally dreadful miss.

The teams are on the pitch. They share cordial handshakes – now they just have to act so pleasantly for the next 90 minutes.

Pizza had. They’re in the tunnel. Pepe hasn’t headbutted anyone. Well done!

Pizza’s here. I’ll eat that and then I’ll be with you.

There’s tension in the Steinberg household though. Will my pizza arrive before our 9pm kick-off? Or will I be answering the doorbell as Pepe is sent off at 9.03pm for booting Messi into the stratosphere? I’ve only just got home, you see, having played football. Let’s not talk about how it went.

Evening. You know the statistics by now. Barcelona have played Real Madrid nine times since Jose Mourinho arrived at the Bernabeu and have lost once, in the Copa del Rey final last season. They haven’t been close to losing at the Camp Nou, and Real have to win tonight to stand a chance of going through. The chances are low. Barcelona have wiped the floor with them at the Bernabeu twice in the last month, and even Real’s defensive, bullying tactics aren’t enough. They are the Roger Federer of football: if they play well, you’re not going to beat them. For Mourinho, even if he wins the league, that may eventually prove to be too much.

Here are your teams: Mourinho has resisted the opportunity to make a real statement and play Pepe up front.

Barcelona: Pinto; Alves, Piqué, Puyol, Abidal; Xavi, Busquets, Iniesta; Sánchez, Messi, Fábregas.

Real Madrid: Casillas; Arbeloa, Pepe, Ramos, Coentrão; Diarra, Xabi Alonso; Ronaldo, Kaká, Ozil; Higuaín.