Last Second Transfer Fantasy: Roman Pavlyuchenko to Arsenal

One could easily say hey, that shit is ridiculous. And you’d probably be right. This transfer is definitely one of those “it’s so crazy, it just might work!” deals. But then, this is Arsenal. Arsenal. What more have they got to lose? Some explanation is in order:

Since last season fans, pundits, and everyone else alike have been crying “Get rid of Arshavin, he’s shite!” They’ve been in the right about the latter, Arshavin scored the brilliant winning goal in Arsenal’s home leg of their Champions League clash with Barcelona and has been an absolute fuckwit on the field ever since. A chorus of “Sell! Sell! Sell!” has haunted him at all times and in all places, like a little black raincloud following the poor bastard around. When Arsene Wenger put him on as a substitute for new boy toy Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain last week against Manchester United, the entire fucking stadium booed him. That’s Emirates Stadium, capacity 60,000. Ouch.

But here’s the thing–Arshavin is still good, or rather, he can be. He’s captain of the Russian national team and led them to qualification for Euro 2012. When he’s happy and confident, Arshavin can still hack it with the best, or at least the really quite good.

Which brings me to Pavlyuchenko, his compatriot. Pavvy Pav is another lost soul of English football. Still an excellent performer for his national team, at Spurs he can’t even get a game. Harry Redknapp hates him almost as much as he hates Gio dos Santos. Like one of us once said, I can’t remember who, the Russian forward is a fantastic player if he can only be arsed. The problem is that he almost never is.

But why? What’s wrong with these guys that makes them so consistently underperform? I know what it is: friendship.

I’m not kidding. Fucking friendship. Pavlyuchenko has no friends at Tottenham, just look at him. He’s not having any fun. Arshavin is in much the same boat.

See? His only friend was Bendtner, and Bendtner a) is total crap, and b) has already fucked off to Sunderland.

If Arshavin and Pavlyuchenko were together as clubmates as well as national teammates, mark my words, they’d be fucking awesome again.

There’s still time! HURRY ARSENE, BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Photo courtesy of Well Offside, with some cosmetic alterations by your friendly neighborhood vuvuzelist.

[UPDATE]

JK?

jk.