The MS Paint Report: Chelsea blows a 3-nil lead at home to Manchester United
Once upon a time in 2010, Chelsea won the Premier League. LOL I know right? But seriously, it happened. They won the League Cup too! Crazy times, so different. Carlo Ancelotti was there, and he was ok, though Chelsea were still as boring as they’d ever been since the departure of the FCF’s beloved pagan god, Jose Mourinho. Now though they have a new manager, the red-haired Portuguese Andre Villas-Boas, who was a student of Mourinho back in the day. And things are great! For the neutrals that is. For Chelsea fans they’re not winning as often as they used to, which can be a real drag. Anyway, they faced 2011 Premier League champions Manchester United a few weeks ago. I’m here to learn you about it.
You guys, real talk, this game was stupid good. I wanted to marry this game and spend the rest of my life with it. I hugged my computer and cried when it was over. By the end, I looked like this:
I KNOW RIGHT??????? That dog is adorable, and so was I at that time. I went outside to pee in the street and a pretty girl I’d never met ruffled my hair and scratched the itchy spot behind my ears while I licked her face! It was a little weird how into it we both were.
Anyway, the game. It started off like many sacred happenings–with a prayer. David Luiz laid his hand on Fernando Torres’ golden-haired head and prayed for him.
It sort of worked, but not really, as I’ll elaborate about later on. (HOOKED YET?)
The game got underway. John Terry wasn’t playing (injury? needed time to recover from his racism? I don’t know) and Ashley Cole was out injured (honestly not sure Ashley Cole had ever missed a game through injury before that day), so the back line was Bosingwa switched out to left back, Ivanovich at right back, and David Luiz in the center with Chelsea’s new fourth-choice centerback, £80,000 per week signing Gary Cahill. When I discussed Cahill’s arrival at Chelsea long ago, I foresaw this potential contingency but neglected to mention it out of laziness and because it would have made the joke less funny. And now look what happens, I’m made a fool of that’s what. I’ll never forgive you, Gary Cahill.
Anyway he was terrible. Ten minutes he avoided conceding a penalty by the grace of God Howard Webb.
Oh Welbz, you lovable scamp, get the hell offa my lawn with coolkids lingo! I still love your flat top though.
While the penalty shout was indeed a Stonewall Jackson and its not being given may have cost United the win, I for one wouldn’t want it any other way. If Gary Cahill had been sent off the game would have been ruined for the spectator, a dull shellacking of a ten-man outfit. You can complain all you want about referee mistakes but then you’re missing the point. Human error is an inevitable fact of life and its massive presence in football injects the sport with a wonderful chaos not found in pretty much any other sport I know of or care to watch, except bullfighting, but that’s a whole other thing we don’t have time to talk about here.
Moving along, Chelsea scored in the first half. BUT THEN, in the second half, WHOA, Juan Mata scored an absolutely gorgeous volley from an artistic masterpiece of a cross from Fernando Torres. It was dankalicious, which is a word now just go with. Alas, it was to be Fernando’s biggest contribution to the game, as David Luiz’s prayer failed to exorcise the accursed demonic presence within him that cruelly foils all his attempts to do what he’s paid millions of dollars to do (score goals).
More important than the goal though was Former England Captain But Still Current Club Captain John Terry’s reaction to the goal in the stands, where, err, yeah…
Page 1 of 2 | Next page