The FCF guide to horrible and unusual injuries
After Scott Dann paradoxically reported that his ‘ruptured testicle’ was ‘more painful than it sounds’, we took to compiling a list of the most horrible-sounding and unusual injuries in the history of the game.
* Stockport County’s Mark Phillips missed 4 weeks in 2008 with a Torn Eyelid.
* Stevenage Boro’s Luke Hamill missed his side’s promotion run-in last season when he suffered a Punctured Scrotum.
* Arsenal teenager Josh Elliot once missed a reserve game in 1998 due to Melded Retinae.
* In Finland, FC Lahti goalkeeper Carl Mannerheim missed an entire season with a Subsided Heart.
* FC Lorient’s Dutch left-back Jens Mathiasjsien was put out for a month with Shredded Glans.
* Tranmere Rovers’ reserve goalkeeper Brandon Manilow had to have corrective surgery on a Twinned Skull.
* Borussia Monchengladbach’s striker Johann Paulik missed four games in 2004 with a Specious Hernia.
* Wrexham’s Kris Evans once missed his side’s pre-season tour of Belgium with Soggy Marrow.
* Anderlecht’s Ariel Vanean was famously forced to retire at 32 owing to Desiccated Ribs.
* Crystal Palace’s James Hungerford had to sit out his side’s FA Cup clash with Liverpool due to Depressive Kidneys.
* San Jose Earthquakes defender Kevin Warhol missed the final 3 weeks of the season with a Ravaged Perineum.
* River Plate anchorman Eduardo Salvia was once put out for 4 months in 1983 after receiving a Spelunked Colon.
* FC Groningen’s Elijah Peters had to sit out his side’s memorable UEFA Cup run with a Fucked Kidney.
* Hiroshima Antlers’ Brazilian supremo Wellesley had to visit a specialist to cure him of Simple Eyes.
* Pescara’s legendary goalkeeper Alberto Donadela once missed an entire season with Grated Lungs.
* Guatemalan international Albrecht Von Guntermeier was unable to compete in the 1946 Copa America due to a Kidnapped Hamstring.
* Sparta Prague’s flying winger Milo Peters once missed his side’s showdown with fierce rivals Slavia Prague with an Incinerated Frenulum.
With thanks to @JamesDallESPN, @TomEurosport, and @Twisted_Blood for help compiling the list.