The Twitter Match Reports
Courtesy of Little Big Match:
SUN 2-0 ARS. Ox box prolapse kills Goon Squad’s season but it’s not all bad news as Gervinho’s heavily pregnant forehead gives birth to twins.
CHE 1-1 BIR. Andre Shit Beard gives football a Cormac McCarthy-esque rewrite so bleak it’s a miracle there were no babies roasting on spits.
NOR 1-2 LEI. Gonorrhea pandemic forces ex-Fox wing-dong Steve Guppy out of retirement in fetid act of urethra-scraping desperation.
EVE 2-0 BPL. Rosyton ‘the shit Seedorf’ Drenthe, toffee’s own-brand Clarence, proves the difference in game of little interest to anyone.
MIL 0-2 BOL. On-the-spectrum fact-fountain Jeff Stelling sacked after irresponsible “Ngog scores from distance” outburst kills pensioner.
CRA 0-2 STO. Magic of the cup? If I’d spent the afternoon downloading child pornography instead I still think I’d respect myself more.
STE 0-0 TOT. Blissful ad break oasis provides fleeting sanctuary from ITV’s 90-minute faecal cannonade.
LIV 6-1 BRI. Net spend-obsessed shit-buy apologists choose not to dwell on Brighton having scored almost as many goals for them as Wor Andy.
