Oh, you have to love The Guardian. Today, bell de nos jours Joey Barton will attend its morning conference, and yesterday, there were stories of its potential expansion into the hotel trade. Both of these things should be shocking yet neither is remotely so, so, being for the benefit of Mr Alan, here’s The FCF’s guide to not ruining a newspaper: 1. Pay your good writers properly. 2. Do not pay your useless writers excessively. 3. Do not fill your paper full of Twitter. 4. Do not fill your paper full of Press Association. 5. Do not ruin good writing by massacring it into search engine optimised non-news nonsense. 6. Do not give your best writing away for free. 7. Do not encourage your writers to write first person frottages about their desperate lives. 8. Do not force your writers to engage with your imbecilic audience. 9. Do not encourage your imbecilic audience to insult your writers. 10. Not everything requires a liveblog. Tricky, eh?
Are Manchester City seriously going to accept that Carlos Tevez has apologised “sincerely and unreservedly”? Perhaps they might encourage him to elucidate what, precisely, brought him to such sudden and transformative epiphany, else we’ll have to assume that in a gesture emptier than his head, his actual words were “nnng uggh krrppppl snnng MONEY gyhhha ME trrgyyseee MR KIA.”
Going by football journalists on Twitter, only two things happened last night. One, the Brits happened, rewarding all that is cancerous about British popular cutlture. The only thing worse than that is that people willingly attended. Two, they’re putting the boot into Andre Villas-Boas for having the common sense to drop Frank Lampard – the press-leaking, cowardly, do-nothing, xenophobic, hypocritical sculpture of scum that believes he is the centre of Chelsea, and wider still – the world. Chelsea lost. So what? They’re a knackered squad on their last legs and even the best managers don’t revitalise teams in a year. Villas-Boas might not be the best manager, but he’s got one thing right at least: don’t let Frank Lampard think he’s worth anything more than zero.