Counterpoint: Dude with Chainsaw at Portland Timbers games is the best team in the world

Earlier today my esteemed (close enough) colleague Andres Pacheco Fores made the argument for Universidad de Chile as the best team in the world. I respectfully disagree. The best team in the world is that one dude that brings a fucking chainsaw to Portland Timbers games.

Sure, they have nice kits. Sure they’re fast and pass well and attack and are actually a team that plays football. Sure, that’s all true.

But the chainsaw dude HAS A FUCKING CHAINSAW. Seriously, what don’t you get about this. He has a fucking chainsaw. He brings it into a stadium filled with people, and uses it to chainsaw through massive logs.

Let’s say we lock both Universidad de Chile and chainsaw dude on a field with no referees and have them play a match (the only way men play). Who do you think wins? The dude with a fucking chainsaw that’s who.

I rest my case.