Fifth  Round: Gerrard - misses! Cardiff City 2-3 Liverpool – Liverpool win the World Cup!

Fifth  Round: Johnson – scores! Cardiff City 2-3 Liverpool

Fourth  Round: Someone – scores! Cardiff City 2-2 Liverpool

Fourth  Round: Downing – scores! Cardiff City 1-2 Liverpool

Third Round: Gestede – missed! Cardiff City 1-1 Liverpool

1. First round: Miller - Missed! Cardiff City 0-0 Liverpool 
2. Second round: Adam – Missed! Cardiff City 0-0 Liverpool
3. Second round: Cowie – Scores! Cardiff City 1-0 Liverpool
4. Third round: Kuyt – Scores! Cardiff City 1-1 Liverpool

1. First round: Miller - Missed! Cardiff City 0-0 Liverpool 

First round: Gerrard Saved! Cardiff City0-0 Liverpool 

Penalties, here we bloody go. I’d be useless at these, utterly useless. Not just because I’m awful at football, but because I’m mentally weak.

30 min ET: Downing’s corner headed away, Gunnarsson robs Suarez to concede another. Bellamy takes, Kuyt tries to hook it in but it’s thumped away. Cardiff can barely walk for cramp. Johnson crosses, kicked away again. Adam with a long ball forward, headed away. Kiss breaks down the right, but the ref calls for penalties.

28 min: GOAL! Cardiff City 2-2 Liverpool (Turner). The first corner is flapped at by Reina and punted at Kuyt’s head, out for another corner. It’s fired back in and Kuyt and Turner challenge together. It first hits Kuyt, but Turner stabs it past Reina to equalise. Incredible stuff.

27 min ET: Reina punches clear for a throw in. Another Gunnarsson long throw, Skrtel gives away another corner. Only their second of the whole game.

26 min ET: Whittingham’s cross to Kiss is headed clear. Cardiff are pressing, and Turner wins a corner with a cross hit at Johnson.

22 min ET: Skrtel blocks at the near post, and Gunnarsson will take the long throw. He limps over with cramp, fires the ball in, but it comes back to him, and he can’t find the strength to pass. It’s booted away eventually, and Cardiff have to build from the back.

17 min ET: GOAL! Cardiff City 1-2 Liverpool (Kuyt). Suarez gets the ball as a cross from Kuyt evades everyone. He can’t quite get it under control and it’s cleared. Liverpool win the ball back, and come again… Kuyt ambles forward, changes pace and finds space. His first shot is from outside the area, going out for a throw possibly, but a defender’s leg knocks it back to him. His first time shot rifles past Heaton’s near post. That’s it, I imagine.

15 min: We’re off again. I look forward to Gerrard’s inevitable winner. McNaughton, who’s been pretty decent today, is replaced by Blake.

15  + 1 min ET: Johnson’s shot from distance scoots wide. That’s the last moment of the first half of extra time.

14 min ET: Woot. Bellamy plays a long distance one two with Kuyt. He cuts in from the left, skips past a few players but he drives just over. That wasn’t far off.

12 min ET: Gerrard’s cross is put out for a corner. Downing takes. Carroll meets it, and displays great strength and technique to get such force on is, but it’s a few inches wide. He’s now replaced by Dirk Kuyt.

10 min ET: Stewart Downing converts for three points.

8 min ET: Kiss bundles past two challenges and shoots wide. A moment later he slides in on Bellamy, and he’s not impressed with the vigour he did that with. Hudson is replaced by Anthony Gerrard, as he limps off with cramp.

6 min ET: A Cardiff free kick on the right is booted goalwards but Reina can collect with nae bother.

4 min ET: Suarez clattered by McNaughton, a free kick from Ronaldo range is taken by Gerrard, who finds Suarez in space, who hooks the ball just wide. Having done all that, he was offside.

2 min ET: Another corner, taken short to Enrique. He rolls it across for Steven Gerrard, who does what he does, skying it. He’ll probably score the winner, though.

1 min ET: We’re off again, to patronise Cardiff. Suarez’s long shot is palmed behind by Heaton.

90 + 4 min: We’ll be going to extra time.

90 + 2 min: Kalle again: ‘It was never gonna happen. When Downings been your best player, it’s hardly been an inspiring performance.’ You’ll win. You always sometimes do.

90 min: Carragher, the disgrace, bundles over a player from behind, and then refuses to give the ball to anyone to let people get back. He doesn’t get booked! Add cheat to xenophobe in his list of qualities.  At the other end, Suarez gets to a loose header from a long ball as defenders collide. He has yards of space, and lets it run to the right. He attempts to dink the ball into the far corner, but it’s no good at all and out for a goal kick. Downing then wins a corner on the right. There will be four more minutes. Gerrard wellies over.

88 min: Oh you plum. Miller receives the ball in space as he runs round the back of all the Liverpool defence in sequence, and he blazes over!

85 min: Heaton gets behind an Adam drive. Let’s get this over and done with shall we? I have a chicken to roast. Downing pulls back to Johnson, who crosses viciously at Suarez’s face, but Hudson heads away. Agger is replaced by Jamie Carragher, who’ll foul sixteen players as the last man, and might receive one yellow at worst.

82 min: Oh! Cowie gets the ball in space, and his cross at the back post is met by Turner, but it’s just a yard wide. Dearie me, that was close.

80 min: Straight into the wall, and out for a long throw for Gunnarsson. Flicked on at the near post, and cleared. Turner and Agger challenge for the ball, but Turner flaps his arm at his head, accidentally mind. Suarez at the other ends crosses, and it’s headed out for another corner. It drifts out to the other end, and Gerrard’s shot is headed away. Johnson picks up the rebound but his shot is crap.

79 min: Downing tugs Miller down, who possibly slipped/dived at the same time, to win  a free kick just a few yards back from the D. Cowie stands over it with Whittingham.

79 min: Bellamy is put in round the back by a lovely pass from Enrique, who a minute later puts the ball out as Hudson, just back from injury, goes down with cramp. Bellamy’s cross is cut out at the near post. Downing’s long range shot is saved excellently by Heaton, down and across to his left so quickly.

74 min: Turner heads a cross out for a Liverpool corner. Adam’s corner is met at the back post by Bellamy, and Skrtel gets a powerful hooked volley on goal, but it’s straight at Heaton, luckily for Cardiff.

71 min: Gunnarsson is down with a clumped heid. Gerrard smashed him in the head with a forearm. It was more to protect himself as Gunnarsson blocked his run searching for a return pass from Suarez, but the referee could have seen it as reckless and punished him.

68 min: Another corner, headed back out to the taker Downing. He marches into the box, but his cross is blocked, and the linesman points for a goal kick.

66 min: Miller seems to have done his hamstring. Heaton slides across goal to cover a through ball, conceding a corner accidentally brushing the ball with his arm. Cardiff eventually gather the ball and break, but Jose Enrique is covering Gestede and puts the ball out.

65 min: Mason receives the ball on the left of the penalty area. He waggles his foot, attempting a trick, cuts inside and drives a low shot at the far corner. Reina is equal to the task and is down promptly to save.

60 min: Goal! Cardiff City 1-1 Liverpool (Skrtel). Corner for Liverpool to Carroll. The striker heads goalwards and Suarez flicks it backwards towards goal. The keeper flaps it away, but only as far as  Skrtel, who slots the ball underneath the keeper. Liverpool, you expect, will walk it from here.

58 min: Jordan Henderson is replaced by Craig Bellamy.  Cardiff have come back into this marginally, but aren’t doing much more than lumping in balls from wide positions.

57 min: Carroll clattered by Turner on the halfway line. I have to say I am looking forward to the in-depth tactical analysis of this game. Cardiff have a throw in by the corner flag. Suarez is dispossed by a fantastic tackle by McNaughton in the penalty area. Downing’s corner is cleared, but spread back to Downing, but Agger’s header is claimed.

52 min: Henderson is booked for a late challenge on Mason. Mason had passed to nowhere, but he was far too late.

50 min: Jazz defending. Hudson attempts to wallop a ball clear from a Carroll knockdown. He’s robbed by the alert Suarez, who shoots/crosses across goal, but the lumbering Carroll can’t get to it. A free kick for Liverpool is then headed behind his own goal by Tuner. The corner, taken by Adam, is cleared at the near post. Liverpool aren’t moving from Cardiff’s half, another cross being headed clear.

48 min: Cardiff come forward now. After some tossing about, Cowie flicks the ball back for Miller, who strikes just outside the box, dragging a firm shot a few yards wide. Liverpool need to concentrate, they’re a little aimless today.

47 min: Headed clear to Henderson, who slices it literally a million miles wide.

45 min: We’re back. No changes made so far, alarmingly still no change of Mark Lawrenson getting replaced. Liverpool have begun in the same manner. They’re in control, winning a free kick on the left as Jose Enrique is tugged by Miller.

Kenny Dalglish is smiling. Christ.

Ethan Dean-Richards tempts fate for all the Bluenoses today: ‘Dear Liverpool, it’s not meant to be, so can you please just give up now. Chairs. ‘

You can find the goal from Mason here, at 101 Great Goals.

45 + 1 min: A rare Cardiff attack ends with a Mason cross straight to Reina. The referee calls for half time a moment later. That was a rum first half. Kenny Dalglish heads straight to the dressing room to, imagine, say EFF and CEE a couple of times. Liverpool need to show a little bit of intelligence if they don’t want to get mightily embarrassed.

45 min: Another chance. Downing squares the ball to Gerrard, but his shot is blocked by a massed group of three determined Cardiff players. With the rebound, he gets his foot round it, but it’s way over. Another minute of the half left.

44 min: Oh! Gerrard curls in a great cross, but nobody is marking Agger. He has yards of space, but heads straight at Heaton! Poor stuff from the defender, and Cardiff are bloody lucky here.

43 min: Suarez slices a shot towards the keeper from outside the box, but Heaton gathers comfortably. Liverpool come forward yet again, and Gunnarsson bundles over Charlie Adam thirty yards from goal.

40 min: Another chance for Liverpool. Downing befuddles McNaughton on the left, crosses to Henderson a the near post, but he swings a wild airshot, missing completely. The ball comes to Gerrard, steaming in, but he clips it over. At the other end, a Whittingham free kick in the right corner is claimed well by Reina. At the other end, Suarez is running onto the ball but McNaughton gets there just in time. Suarez launches himself to the ground, trying to get a free kick. He’s a ludicrous cheat, that man. Reina then pushes Gestede for some foul or another on Skrtel. It’s an odd reaction.

38 min: The commentators are embarrassing themselves over John Henry’s wife. Men. Carroll’s one -two with Suarez almost gets the sex oaf in on goal, but a last ditch tackle rescues it for Cardiff. Also, look at this ridiculous Ronaldo backheel for Real Madrid against Rayo Vallecano.

36 min: First Heaton punches clear, and then Mason stoops bravely to head away the next cross. Liverpool need some guile, because they’re risking a beating if they don’t take a little more care over things. They miss Xabi Alonso, still. Which is not a great criticism, any team but Barcelona would miss him.

35 min: Liverpool are humping crosses into the box, and eventually win a corner when Gunnarsson  clears cackleggedly.

30 min: Suarez, Downing, Adam and Enrique swap passes as they break from a Cardiff through. Enrique cuts into onto his right, and takes a poor effort, trying to curl it into the top corner on the opposite side. It’s off target, though. Liverpool come back again, and they’re beginning to dominate possession as well as territory now. The ball is crossed in and there’s a penalty claim against Taylor. Another chance now, as Adam is in space, centrally, and his long shot, struck firmly, is just a foot wide of goal. The pressure is building.

27 min: Cardiff aren’t especially incisive, but they’ve gone forward a few times since the goal. They’re not sitting back on their lead. Given some of the defending Liverpool are capable of, it might pay off. I still expect Liverpool to win here. Suarez is too good for Championship defenders, and Steven Gerrard is just one of those players. Stewart Downing with, on the face of it, a great cross across the six yard box, but no striker is near it.

26 min: This photo appears to show a group of Liverpool  fans laying into a lone Cardiff fan, and is not particularly edifying whatever the true context might be.

22 min: Agger pelts the ball at a defender’s face. And Downing crosses after receiving the throw in, but McNaughton is there before anyone to clear the danger. Suarez then wriggles through on the left, showing good strength to fend off most challenges until McNaughton manages to dispossess him and also win a corner. Kenny Dalglish looks a wee bit miffed on the sidelines.

20 min: Goal! Cardiff City 1-0 Liverpool (Mason). Mcnaughton squares the ball to Miller, and he threads the ball to Mason, goalside of Jose Enrique. One on one with Reina, he nutmegs him expertly. Cardiff City are ahead!

19 min: Suarez receives the ball from Johnson. He’s on the right handside of the penalty box, and knocks up  a cross to Carroll. The striker, more or less static, gets decent force on the header, but the keeper gets a hand to it. At the other end…

17 min: The ball is aimed over to the top at Johnson, on the right wing. He can’t get to the ball as it’s overhit, but it is a demonstration of just how far forward he’s been so far today.

13 min: Gerrard’s cross for Downing at the back post, after some neat build up play, is headed out for a corner. Again, Carroll concedes a free kick from a cross, pushing his marker before he can get to it.

11 min: Cowie receives the ball down the channel, he flicks the ball towards Kenny Miller. Miller has time, and leans way, way back and sends the ball way, way over. That’s the kind of standard you’d expect of Miller, wasting Cardiff’s first chance.

9 min: Turner hoofs Suarez from behind just by the center circle and is lucky not to be booked. Cardiff  win the ball back from the free kick as Downing’s shot is blocked.

7 min: Downing twists and turns on the left, but his cross hits Hudson, out for a corner. Gerrard takes – it’s hit fiercely towards Carroll but is headed over for another corner. This time Adam takes, to the back post and Skrtel’s header across is claimed by the keeper.

5 min: A busy start as Cardiff close down with energy, but Liverpool are well able to keep the ball. Henderson clips the ball into Carroll, and he gets his head to it, sending the ball way over. It’s called for a foul as he pushes the center back.

3 min: What a start! Gerrard steams forward, and after a sixty yard run there’s a few passes until Johnson receives the ball centrally, shifts it onto his right foot, and hits the bar from twenty yards. Luis Suarez, not racially abusing anyone, gets hold of the ball but can’t volley the ball straight back at goal and the move ends.

The commentator says it feels like a big time cup final. It really doesn’t. I’d rather be watching Cowboys and Aliens, even, but we need to do this to get hits in the short term, our page rank in the medium term, and sell sponsorship in the long term.

Here’s the one alright Liverpool fan, Kalle Weis-Fogh, with a question: ‘Not being BRITISH, I wonder if you could tell me: why is a soldier carrying out the trophy? I dont get the connotation, is it a battle analogy or something?’ Why do you hate our freedom? Really though, I’m not sure. I imagine it’s because of the cloying sentimentalism that sociopaths show is the only kind of public expression that this fetid island can serve up. In my eyes, soldiers are very little more than rapists and murderers.

There’s been some scrapping between Cardiff City and Liverpool fans. What jerks.

Here’s the team news:

Cardiff City: Heaton; McNaughton, Hudson, Turner, Taylor; Whittingham, Gunnarsson, Cowie, Gestede, Miller, Mason

Liverpool: Reina, Johnson, Skrtel, Agger, Enrique; Gerrard, Adam; Henderson, Suárez, Downing, Carroll.

Subs when I get them.