The Glen Johnson Excuse Creator
Having read Glen Johnson this morning, we couldn’t quite believe the lengths he was prepared to go to in order to troll the whole country. Chapeau, Glen. It’s better than writing about football betting, so with a bit of investigation, and only mild threats of violence (bringing an electric drill to the office was enough to convince most of the initially reticent) we discovered it’s all a ruse to launch Glen Johnson’s Big Book of Excuses. Here’s his top
1. Johnson on the beans on toast incident: ‘I swear I thought that that particular loaf of bread was mine.’ And the beans? ‘Yes, the beans also.’ Despite the labelling? ‘Yes.’ And the butter? ‘No comment.’
2. ‘I didn’t actually know what racism meant. All the time people were asking me whether Luis Saurez was racist, I thought it was something to do with the decoration in his flat, whether or not he had one mixer tap in his bathroom instead of one tap for the hot and one tap for the cold. I thought it was just best to leave well alone at first, and then I thought I should stick up for my teammate. How he had his taps at home was his own choice. Needless to say, when I say found out what racism actually was, I was pretty embarrassed, but it was too late to admit my mistake.
3. ‘Had I known that he was that allergic to nuts, would I still have force-fed him cashews? No, obviously I wouldn’t have, but I can’t take that back now, can I? And the important thing is that I didn’t know, I only suspected from the facts I had been told from various sources, and you can’t just go off facts and evidence; now you’re being silly.’
4. ‘Honey came in and she caught me red-handed, creeping with the girl next door. Picture this, we were both butt naked, banging on the bathroom floor. How could I forget that I had given her an extra key? All this time she was standing there she never took her eyes off me. How you can grant the woman access to your villa trespasser and a witness while you cling to your pillow? You better watch your back before she turn into a killer. Best for you and the situation not to call the beaner. To be a true player you have to know how to play. If she say a night, convince her say a day. Never admit to a word when she say and if she claims then you tell her baby no way. But she caught me on the counter (It wasn’t me). Saw me kissin’ on the sofa (It wasn’t me). I even had her in the shower (It wasn’t me). She even caught me on camera (It wasn’t me). She saw the marks on my shoulder (It wasn’t me). Heard the words that I told her (It wasn’t me). Heard the screaming get louder (It wasn’t me). She stayed until it was over (It wasn’t me).’