The Premier League Match Reports
Little Big Match sums up the weekend’s games in fewer than 140 characters per match. Image from Well Offside.
BOL 2–1 QPR. Limb atrophy casebook Coyle ramps up the horror with a dydoe piercing & some see-thru speedos. #googledydoepiercing #idareyou
AV 1–0 FLM. Heskey SexMagickDeathCult case collapses after star witness rapes & eats himself hours before throwing his own penis over a hedge.
CHE 1–0 STO. Awkward scenes as delusional Spanish waiter strides into Blues changing room with revised team sheet and Andrea Dossena.
SUN 1–0 LIV. Old wound-opening diplomacy void Glen Johnson reignites Crimean War, labelling Tsar Nicholas ‘a gay-handshake Imperialist ponce’.
WW 0–2 BLB. New ‘supergroup of sit-coms’ brings stars of Nobody Likes Steven and One Foot in the Championship together for reasons beyond me.
EVE 1–0 TOT. Admin error sees news walrus John Pienaar make toffees debut while floundering corn-row gnat yells “politics is gay” at Greek PM.
MNU 2–0 WBA. Sith goal glutton Wide Roomey demands transfer after club physio insists Digby the Biggest Dog in the World wasn’t a documentary.
SWA 1–0 MNC. Teams forced to play crucial league fixture in Jay-Z’s mouth after rap-hop robo-capitalist puts Wales into administration.
NOR 1–1 WIG. Human anus’s threshold for punishment tested as Telekinetic Arsebleed Bingo experiment fails to restore Latic fan’s self-worth.