FULL-TIME: LIVERPOOL 3-0 EVERTON

Pretty comprehensive in the end. Everton had a few moments, but Liverpool had nearly all the significant chances, and Gerrard took goals one and two brilliantly. If Everton lose to Sunderland at the weekend, Moyes will look a little silly, and I doubt his club’s supporters will be totally impressed even if they don’t – derbies need winning. Anyway, enough’s enough. Lyela tov.

90+4 min: HAT-TRICK FOR GERRARD! AND HE CELEBRATES BY SUCKING HIM THUMB AND POINTING AT HIMSELF! TRUSAY!

Now he might be subliminally signalling something Freudian, but more likely, letting folk know that his son is his. Anyway, the goal: Gerrard broke and slipped it left to Suarez, who was, no doubt, grateful that he give it back instead of having to miss, which Gerrard nearly did – but instead the ball crashed into the roof of the net again.

90+1 min: Hibbert boots the ball at Enrique after he puts a stud in his pus with the ball already in touch. They’re both booked, and Kalman Dean-Richards is filled with glee: “This game is turning nice and filthy…get your pants off lads, we’re going in.”

Meanwhile, Everton work an opportunity for Rodwell, dead centre, but with the ball coming across him, he slices it to wherever dead pets go.

90 min: In less than a minute, it’ll all be over. If only life were so simple.

88 min: Last word on moral courage from Alastair Walker: “It’s not physical courage… That’s the best I’ve got so I’ll now depart. Goodnight all.” So, courage then?

86 min: You give birth to a baby boy. You think he’s dead cute, and already you’re experiencing a love like none you’ve ever experienced before. So you say “I know, let’s call him Leighton”. “Yes, let’s”, says your partner.

85 min: Drenthe barrels into Downing for no point, and is booked.

80 min: Gerrard leaps with Pienaar and catches him with a forearm-elbow combo. Play stops, so let’s have another email from Ally Poole: “Why are you saying Rats? The Anfield Cat will sort that out, it’s got that poacher’s instinct.” In which case they might want to try it up front. The game restarts, and Baines humps the ball downfield instead of returning it generously, which initiates some minor apoplexy in the stands and on the Liverpool bench. The managers exchange words, and Moyes shoos Dalglish away – advice he’d be advised to heed.

79 min: Long searching ball from Downing, left-to-right, is falling for Suarez on the edge of the box, and, the wrong side, Baines pulls him down, and is booked. From the free-kick, Gerrard takes the charitable option, setting Downing up for a sympathy fuck, but by the time he’s cocked, there are a couple of chargers ready to block his shot.

78 min: Let’s have some more morality – here’s Alastair Walker again: “And that would apply to Rodwell who’s passed the buck along with the ball all night; never trying the difficult, but correct, pass”. But how does it differ from regular courage, and what’s Mastermind got to do with it.

77 min: We’ve now had three nutmegs in this game, Suarez diddling Baines, before running into one of his pals.

75 min: Carroll lumbers after a high ball, either can’t decide what to do or can’t do what he decides, so falls over instead when levered out of it by Hibbert. The Kop claim a penalty and think for a moment that they’ve got it, but they haven’t.

75 min: Rats, another fifteen minutes of this.

73 min: League Cup champ Dirk Kuyt replaces Jordan Henderson.

71 min: Suarez receives the ball from Carroll’s poke and skidzooms into the box, right of centre. He aims a shot across Howard, arced with the outside of his right boot, but it’s shit, basically, and plenty wide.

70 min: “Once a blue, always a Manc” sing one set of supporters or the other. Do they mean Whine Hooney or Phil Neville?

67 min: Two definitions of moral courage.

1. Always thought of it as the courage to do the right thing instead of the easy thing. I might well be talking rubbish though. (Alastair Walker)

2. Moral Courage = Courage Moral = Cutting off a ponytail when it’s clearly not working for you.(Kalman Dean-Richards)

If it’s 1., how does it differ from regular courage? If it’s 2., isn’t anyone with a ponytail already irrevocably outside of the morality spectrum?

66 min: Distin blatantly glances at Suarez, so Suarez falls over. No free-kick, funny that.

63 min: Is there a better name to say in a schouse achschent than Strachqualurrrsee? Once you’ve finished sending me footballer-verbs, get yer newtons into that yin.

61 min: Everton’s first shot in a while, Baines released down the left by a clever ball from someone – sorry, didn’t see who – and cutting back for Rodwell, who, devoid of courage, moral or otherwise, attempted to placesweep a finish when it needed the laces. Drenthe, Osman and Jelavic on, Anichebe, Coleman and Stracqualursi off.

59 min: Kelly’s had an excellent game tonight, going forward at least, and he wins a corner off Distin that comes to nowt. Jay Spearing needs a pointy hat and a fishing rod.

57 min: “Jack Rodwell is a complete bottler” moans Alastair Walker. “Totally lacking in moral courage; hasn’t so much as attempted a decisive pass tonight.”

Yep, save a brilliant interception in the first half, he’s been quiet – though I’m never quite sure what moral courage means. Anyone?

55 min: Pienaar is late and high on Henderson. He’s booked.

51 min: IT’S TWO FOR GERRARD AND TWO FOR LIVERPOOL!

If the first goal was the rapier, this was the broadsword. Kelly did well to nick possession off Pienaar on halfway, finding Henderson on the burst. He sidestepped a pass to Suarez outside him, who cut inside, parallel to the right byline, nutmegging Distin and weaving away from goal and away from Rodwell – at which point the ball arrived precisely in the path of Steven Gerrard, so Suarez stepped off and watched as he mashed a shot into the roof of the net.

49 min: They’ve not mustered much muster, but Everton are in the ascendancy at the moment. Andy Carroll is a worse dancer than John Sergeant.

47 min: Gerrard, whom I neglected to note was grimacing as he went off at half-time, is out for the second half. Must’ve been the choice of music.

46 min: Players whose names are verbs: Spearing. Downing. Henning -  as in sorry I can’t come to the door, I’m henning at the moment. More please.

46 min: A tip, a tap, and it’s the second half.

Bayern are four-nil up on Basle now. Safe to say that one’s done.

“Fellaini is great to watch…gracefully lumbering around…it’s like Gimley (Son of Gloin) on a football pitch” opines Kalman Dean-Richards. I’m afraid he’s lost me there, though – we’re talkin’ Tolkien’, I imagine, for which I have no frame of reference.

HALF-TIME: LIVERPOOL 1-0 EVERTON

Reasonable half of football, I suppose. Liverpool have been the better side, and deserve the lead purely for the quality of Gerrard’s finish – though there were elements of spawn in its genesis. Everton have looked lively down their left, with Baines and Pienaar combining well, but Reina’s had close to bugger-all to bugger-up. See you in fourteen.

45 min: There’ll be one added minute.

44 min: And another. Here comes Ally Poole, who, I’m afraid, I’m going to have to disagree with. “It is not time to kill Sloop John B as a football song. It is only famous because of Hull singing it during our glorious first season in the Premier League with Fake Tan and Ear Piece specialist Phil Brown giving a rousing renditon of the anthem after we stayed up. Despite it morphing into ‘I wanna go Home, this is a shithole’ etc it should be kept alive. It’s a good tune and forever a reminder of a glorious period for Hull (although we did nick the use of the song off FC United of Manchester). History lesson/plea/rant over.”

I first remember it being sung by Big United, around 2002, in a game at Blackburn (I think) – “we paid for your home, what a waste of council tax, we paid for your home”. And I think it was written after hearing the tune used by an opposing side on a Euro away.

40 min: Salaam aleikum Johnny Craig, who’s only here with an email! “Every time I see Suarez, I can’t help but think about that demonic bunny from the Twilight Zone Movie. His Bunny teeth grow bigger and bigger by each telecast.”

Now, I’m almost moved to offer some sympathy here,being availed of the old buck teeth in my junior years, but unfortunately that isn’t possible. Consolation, though, comes with the revelation that I still have dreams aobut wearing braces in which my mouth aches.

38 min: While I was fighting with the site, Kelly bousted forward once more and hit the kind of cross shot he might have hit prior to the goal, which skidded only jusy beyond the pharfost.

34 min: 1-0 REDSCOUSE, AND IT’S GERRARD WITH A BEAUTY!

Henderson feeds into Suarez, just left of centre, and he spreads it towards Kelly, ball arriving into his path via the back of Gerrard’s knees. Suddenly in front of Howard, he drills a shot straight at his legs, and the sphere rebounds to Gerrard on the edge of the box, just right of centre. Ee as a look, and the arcs a perfect left-footer over everyone between him and the goal. Very nicely done. The same cannot be said of this site.

30 min: Brilliant goal saving tackle from Hibbert! After a Timtimeny kick falls short in the centre-circle, Carroll and Jagileka fight and one of them pokes it all the way through to Suarez, one-on-one with Howard. Though he swerves right, away from the man behind him, he can’t escape his attentions, and is robbed because the locals know he’s at the game by a sliding tackle. And then the linesman flags for offside, so it was, as Beth Gibbons once emoted, all for nothi-i-ing.

28 min: Hibbert jinks past Enrique – trusay – and looks for Stracqualursi in the middle, but his cross is intercepted. It eventuates a corner which comes to your mum nothing.

27 min: It’s about time to kill Sloop John B as a football song now, isn’t it not?

26 min: Come ead you trappist cunts, someone must have something to say.

25 min: Some possession for Everton, with which nothing is done. Liverpool have been the better side so far, and have come closer to scoring, but their dominance has not been overwhelming.

21 min: Suarez forces a corner that Gerrard swings in from the left, but Rodwell nuts away. Liverpool build again, but Everton are solid, and we see a replay of Carroll chucking an arm at little Baines – is that worse than hitting women? He’s a proper, honest, good old-fashioned English centre-forward if ever there was one.

20 min: Everton’s kit looks very silly with that collar that looks like something you’d see on Match of the Day. Liverpool’s kit looks exceedingly uncomfortable, with those tight sleeves.

18 min: I feel bad going on, by Andy Carroll is what my mum would call a fairy elephant – it’s very tricky not to chuckle as he attempts anything vaguely dextrous.

15 min: Good break from Everton, Pienaar robbing Henderson and advancing after being cleverly shielded by Fellaini. Suddenly in hectares, he advanced further, and with Anichebe free to his left, attempted a square ball the other way, to Stracqualursi, which Skrtel ntrcptd easily enough.

12 min: If only Suarez loved finishing as much as racism. Carroll leaps into a flick-on with Jagielka nowhere near, and Suarez was onto it in a flash, zooming past Distin and turning into a shot that Howard pushed away. Difficult chance, in fairness.

10 min: Everton manufacture their first shot. Piennar takes possession on the left and waits for Baines to overlap on his outside, rolling him in, and chuckling as he strolled by Kelly and nutmegged Henderson, cutting back a return ball from close the byline. But Piennar, for reasons known best to himself and best known to himself, cunted it over the bar for no reason whatsoever.

7 min: Chance for Liverpool! Suarez collects a ball around the corner from Downing in the inside-left channel and spins inside, slipping for the onrushing Gerrard, who bursts past Rodwell. He doesn’t quite get hold of the shot, dragging it slightly with left towards the far corner, allowing Howard to push out. Just when Henderson thinks he’s on a contribution, shaping to shoot, Rodwell appears out of nowhere, sliding in to block superbly.

5 min: Let’s talk BOOZE then, given that we’re LADS. Yesterday, I discovered the following cocktail, name of which escapes me. But it goes like this, and has the approval of FCF mixologist Netherton:

20ml Grey Goose l’orange

20ml lemon juice

Large bar spoon marmalade

5ml honey

2 dashes orange bitters

Champagne

3 min: Long diagonal ball from Gerrard, aimed at Andrew Carroll, but it’s too long, and collected by Howard. Shit game so far, STOP FOOTBALL.

3 min: David Moyes looks relaxed on the Everton bench.

1 min: A scuffed kick from T-Ho finds Henderson wide on the right, and he crosses low and inaccurate, Distin able to hoof away comfortably.

1 min: Liverpool kick off, and immediately one of them wellies it into touch.

Apparently: Arjen Robben has stuck one in the onion bag for Bayern as they “seek to overturn a first-leg deficit” at home to Basle. What a player he is, and what a shame he played for Mourinho before he learned to shut the fuck up and trust talent.

An evening with Alan Smith would no doubt have been the title of a play, had he scored after replacing Lineker against Sweden (ho ho ho to all concerned), but instead means a miserable night of lisping tedium, lip rolling over letters like a fatman’s forward roll. Lucky us.

More on The Friendly Derby: enjoy this windmilling diatribe, via Samuel Luckhurst on Twitter, which I imagine comes from Everton fanzine When Skies Are Grey. Any more for anymore? Or is it anymore for any more?

Right then, cuntos. Teams are here! Ah Yeah!And cheers, Paul Doyle of the ironically-titled Guardian for mixing them up (unless you’ve taken off the useless BBC).

Liverpool: (4-4-2 and a tale of woe): Reina, Kelly, Skrtel, Carragher, Enrique; Spearing, Gerrard, Henderson, Downing; Suarez, Carroll.
Subs: Maxi, Coates, Kuyt, Adams, Doni, Shelvey, Flanagan.

Everton: Howard, Hibbert, Distin, Jagielka, Baines; Coleman, Fellaini, Rodwell, Pienaar; Stracqualursi, Anichebe.

Subs: Mucha, Heitinga, Jelavic, Drenthe, Cahill, Neville, Osman.

So headline news: elated medal-winning champion Dirk Kuyt is on the bench for Liverpool, who continue persevering following the second summer of lummox, and are at full-’strength’. Everton, on the other hand, are not: they make six changes from their win over Spurs, ahead of the weekend’s Cup quarter. Should they win, Liverpool (the club, not the city) will look very silly indeedy.

Preamble. When April with his showers sweet, Has pierced the draught of March to the root’s feet, And bathed each vein in liquid of such power, Its strength creates the newly springing flower. Whoops, that’s something else I’m working on; let’s try again. Preamble. A thin Tory; a pleasant Tory; a compassionate Tory; a caring Tory; a funny Tory; a friendly derby. Though they’re all oxymoron, it wasn’t always quite so. Once upon a time, supporters didn’t need segregating at this fixture, and there are plenty of intra-family splits – whereas in Manchester, say, even intermarriage is frowned upon, and not just in Broughton Park and Rusholme. But a few hacks and fights later and it’s a poisonous as it’s meant to be, and whom are we to complain? Bring on the strychnine!