Where do we go from here? The words are coming out all weird.
Manchester City will win the league. Excellent, that’s that sorted. If Roberto Mancini says it, it will happen. Exactly like when he said Carlos Tevez would never play for him again. Whoops. Against a revitalised Chelsea tonight, they could either get back on track or capitulate utterly. There’s very little margin for error. It’s three points or they’ve bottled the league. They’ll probably do it – and I think they’ll still win the league – but right now it’s got all the hallmarks of a real City job.
On the very day that a government voted for by no one murdered the NHS, who better to console all non-arseholes that our money ends up in the right places than the very ‘queen’: “I have been privileged to witness some of that history and, with the support of my family, rededicate myself to the service of our great country and its people now and in the years to come.” One must only credit her, mustn’t one – or her speechwriters, whom no doubt she serves too – for packing such an intense amount of absurdity into a single sentence. Imagine if the legal system employed her definition of witness, for example: “Everyone else’s Honour, though one wasn’t there or even close to there, and one was sitting on one’s throne in one’s palace picking one’s vagina as is one’s wont, one is sure that closed-circuit television showing Steven Gerrard punching Marcus McGee makes it as though one was there, thus one is a witness”. Hmmm, maybe it’s not such a bad idea after all, and certainly not as arfsome as the notion that the family she raised so very lovingly have supported her. But then we arrive at the final clause – sarcasm, satire or senility, it’s hard to decide, but I defy you to extract from it a single salient sentiment.
Smoke and guns
Indignation, isn’t it beautiful? It is, isn’t it? Ashley Cole, isn’t he a prick? He is, isn’t he? However, in the eyes of his employers, he’s earned himself a fair whack of credit by virtue of doing his job very well over a period of several years. Jacob Mellis, on the other hand, has not, so there’s not the slightest reason for affording him the same loyalty. It’s incredibly lame of Chelsea to sack a kid for a kiddish prank, but nothing whatsoever to do with the club’s treatment of an employee deserving of their far greater tolerance; we do, after all, conduct our personal relationships in similar fashion.
Photo courtesy of Well Offside