The Premier League Twitter Match Reports

Some more 140 long jazz from Little Big Match.

CHE 0–0 TOT. Quantum anomaly threatens universe after Chelsea boss John Terry ingests his own future in paradoxical gitball timequake.

ARS 3–0 AV. Plague of Verbs lays sense to waste as Sagna wanks faxed jog fart through conceptualize might have been.

BOL 2–1 BLB. Instant perspective as football world comes together to wish Owen Coyle would put some fucking trousers on.

LIV 1–2 WIG. Unsackable shit-squad fetishist plans for next season with £74million bid for fly-blown overspill from Glastonbury latrine.

NOR 2–1 WW. Tractor-porn Flat Earth theorists cajole unsuspecting Black Country dingbats inside smouldering Championship-shaped wicker effigy.

SUN 3–1 QPR. Titfer twat Bendtner’s new Assad regime mask deal “the most lucrative example of transparent dickishness outside Anfield.”

SWA 0–2 EVE. Lawro-led gambling syndicate left destitute after betting entire Shearer estate on match being stolen by elves.

STO 1–1 MNC. Plug-eared disappointer Jermaine Pennant joins Rizzle Kicks on loan while Kris Kross/Huth saga stalls over image rights.

WBA 1–3 NEW. Cutting edge Hawthorns think tank bullies Hodgson into sex-swing drugs binge with Spandau Ballet and Norman Lamont.