Full time: That wasn’t bad at all from Chelsea. Nothing special, but nothing more was required. A good defensive performance above anything else.

94 min: Uff again. A cross is fired in at Ashley Cole, and it pings out for a corner. For a short moment it looked to be finding the Chelsea net. Nothing from the corner, for a change. Lisbon have a free kick in the centre circle that’s headed away.

92 min: Nothing doing. Chelsea hoof it long and Benfica come back. Rodrigo almost bursts through the middle but his heavy first touch takes it out of play.

91 min: Gaitan crosses from the right, and Nolito heads onto Luiz’s braincup, and they have a corner.

90 min: There will be five minutes more of this.

88 min: Torres heads a long ball straight to the keeper. Torres hasn’t been amazing, but he has looked like a decent winger.

86 min: Terry heads clear, Sturridge breaks down the right wing. Chelsea have numerical advantage on the counter, five against three, and Sturridge switches the play to Mata. He’s got time to take a shot, and puts a chip onto the top of the net. That’s a bit silly really, Juan.

85 min: Bosingwa gets a fistful of Nolito’s shirt on the left wing, and concedes a free kick.

83: Uff. Nolito picks up a breaking ball, steps in from the left of the box and hits a firm shot a yard over. A better striker would surely have scored.

82 min: Javi Garcia is replaced by Nolito as Benfica look for a goal. His first achievement is to win a corner from Lampard in the corner. Kalou is walking really, really slowly off as Daniel Sturridge comes on to replace him.

80 min: Ferreria is replaced by Bosingwa. Chelsea should try to keep possession now, but it’s not really their style or within their abilities.

78 min: Ramires and Torres both took a hit in that move, but both seem OK for now after treatment. Luiz puts a size 56 red boot through the ball to clear a cross. Paulo Ferreira is down with cramp which means added time which means I stay here longer which means the pub looks less likely. I’m a victim of circumstance!

75 min: Goal! Benfica 0-1 Chelsea (Kalou). A wonderfully efficient move. Ramieres does fantastically to keep the ball in on the right. He slips the ball forward for Torres who remains upright despite a heavy challenge. He finds his way into the box, and pulls back a cross for Kalou, who hooks the ball past a wrong-footed Artur.

73 min: There’s about twenty minutes late and despite not scoring, I think Chelsea can be faintly happy. They’ve been reasonably organised, and David Luiz seems increasingly aware of the signals his brain send to his limbs. Over 180 minutes, Chelsea look more likely to score.

69 min: Rodrigo’s on, Bruno Cesar is off.

67 min: Jardel finds his head, puts it on the end of  a cross from the left from Javi Garcia, and heads straight at Cech. Benfica are upping the pressure, but Chelsea break through Ramires who is clattered by Luisao and Chelsea have a free kick forty yards out. Meireles s now replaced by Lampard, and the subbed midfielder is getting the finger from every Benfica fan in the crowd. The free kick is cleared.

64 min: Anand Dixit distracts: ‘You think this is a drag? I’m turning green watching the Real Madrid match. CR is just shooting and it’s not orgasmic.’ What’s the score? I genuinely don’t have the will to find out. Paulo Ferreira, back from retirement, concedes a free kick thirty five yards from his goal. Witsel/possibly someone else takes and it’s headed straight back out. Why can’t anyone cross anymore? Witsel then has a long shot fly way over, hitting a defender on the way. Chelsea eventially clear with a Terry hump. Leave it.

63 min: Due to technical problems, my entry of Mata hitting the post was lost.

60 min: I’ll give you a post to prove I’m still here in body at least.

55 min: Pereira kids everyone with a short throw, gets the ball back, but his cross is just a wee bit too high. Luisao collects it on the left, but his cross is just as good, and Javi Garcia directs the header away from goal. Cardozo has an opportunity just outside the  D of the box, but his curling shot is not sufficiently far away from Cech to cause bother. He smothered that mother.

52 min: Torres, on the left, cuts back onto his right foot to put a great cross in towards Kalou. He’s in space, and does what he does best. He misses.

51 min: Luisao hacks Kalou as he shifs the ball inside. Chelsea have a free kick about thirty yards out, centrally positioned.

50 min: What’s the point of Kalou exactly? Bruno Cesar ambles up to strike from outside the box, straight at the kneeling Cech.

47 min: the first action of the half is for a Benfica free kick to be headed out for a corner. Great stuff. Thrilling stuff. Where’s ma gun? A minute later, the ball is back into the box with a long throw from Pereira. Meireles gets to it, but it bounces up to Cardozo who’s welly is deflected by someone. My screen went. But that was a real chance.

While I’m confident of Callum Hamilton’s mental state – he’s probably dead – I’m more worried about Ethan Dean-Richards: ‘Both my cats have given up on this one. it’s not overly significant, as neither has ever cared about football, but one of them did actually tell me to put something else on tv, which is something new.’

45 min + 1: And it’s cleared by Chelsea by Meireles. Half time.

45 min: Aimar and Pereira exchange passes, but a Chelsea boot puts it out for a throw. Pereira’s long throw is worked back to the right, and Kalou trips Cesar just as he’s about to cross. This could be dangerous. Cesar takes…

42 min: Jardel concedes a corner as Torres tried to reach a ball over the top from Mata. They’re finishing the better of the two sides. If they had Ricardo Carvalho back for corners they’d be four up already. That’s sly bastard was brilliant at set pieces.

40 min:  Meireles, booed all night, cuts across a ball laid back to him. It’s a clean strike, but Artur does well to push it behind. The corner finds Luiz but he can’t find the target. It’s a tight and definitely boring game, I’d love to see the stats on how many key passes every player has made though. That would make my night.

38 min: A flash of competence from Fernando Torres. Picking the ball up from Ramires, he turns back on himself twice, evading four defenders and making room for a left-footed shot that is, admittedly, not very good, and over for a goal kick.

37 min: Bruno Cesar’s shot from outside the box is rubbish.

33 min: Bruno Cesar escapes the attentions of Ashley Cole by cutting in from the right to the middle, but his long range shot curls into the arm of Ashley Cole. In the center circle Luisao fouls Torres from behind. A quick pass to Meireles, and it’s his turn to take a punt from distance, this time sailing out for a goal kick.

31 min: Pereira spins in the box, and chips a short cross into the center. Luiz does well to play keepy uppy and put it out for a corner. The corner, as you may have guessed, makes everyone want to cry and it’s out for a throw in. Pereira takes, it falls to Gaitan, but his shot doesn’t pass a wall of Chelsea defenders.

29 min: Cardozo finds space between Cole and Terry, but he gets underneath the cross and puts it well over. It’s weird what two legs does to teams, it gives them an idea of patience that only escapes once they’re chasing a game. Gaitan tries to slot a through ball for Emerson, but it’s easily intercepted.

27 min: We Don’t Need To Talk About The Corner.

26 min: Bruno Cesar, to the right of his penalty box, hand balls. He’s booked for his trouble. Mikel’s cross is headed behind for a corner. It would be nice to see a shot, for novelty value alone.

24 min: Duuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. European football is finished. This is rancid stuff. Go back to one leg. Even if it’s just as flaccid, then at least it’ll be over twice as quickly.

21 min: A reverse pass, well picked by Gaitan, is fractionally overhit for Pereira. Poor Ashley Cole, getting gradually worse.

19 min: Meireles is booked for a trip on Gaitan. Cesar chips a first time ball over the top for Cardozo, and despite having no defenders goal side of him, his shot is put wide. The adverts on my computer are doing my head in.

17 min: Chelsea and Benfica swap attempts to get to the edge of the box and then dither or stumble. Neither team will feel particularly threatened, but Benfica are the less convincing of the two defensively. On the left, particularly, Ramires has plenty of space.

15 min: Cardozo heads a looping shot towards Cech, and it’s easily claimed by the ‘keeper. He plays a great ball forward to Ramires on the right, who cleverly finds Torres. Torres’ cross deflects of Luisao for a corner. Mata’s corner is flapped at unconvincingly by Artur, but Benfica clear eventually.

11 min: David Luiz ambles forward down the right, cuts inside, and drags a low shot wide of the post. Artur wasn’t worried. Christ, this is poor. Kalou is flagged offside.

10 min: Chelsea swap passes at the back. It’s as tactically vital as it sounds. I bloody wish I had a chalkboard.

8 min: The thing I don’t get about Lisbon is that despite it’s fantastic architecture, socialist mansion that puts on free jazz and decent booze, is the terrible food. In protest, Meireles – miserable to be back – clumps a Benfica player in the head. Witsel isn’t happy.

5 min: Petr Cech!!!! Punts it to Benfica’s defence. Cole wins it back, plays it wide to Torres, whose cross is a touch too deep for Ramires. The Brazilian stretches for it, but it’s out for a goal kick.

3 min: The team’s have tossed about on the right hand side, and now Benfica have a free kick to cross from as a Chelsea player handballed. The cross is headed back across by Jardel but nobody gets to it.

1 min: Chelsea’s first attack ends when Kalou gets the ball. Odd, that.

OK, let’s pretend that football moves us emotionally, and eff this ess up.

Preamble. Ha ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha. Frank Lampard.

Here is a ludicrous amount of money being hoicked about. This report says that Larry White will be given a monthly salary of a million Euros to manage Chelsea. I can see how John Terry and Laurent ‘Quotas’ Blanc might get along. Obviously, it’s just paper talk now, and it’s less than guaranteed anything would be agreed until Euro 2012, but he’s a good manager, and will be called urbane and sophisticated because he’s foreign. On the other hand, he is urbane and sophisticated because he’s foreign. The English are relatively awful at everything, and it’s time we accepted it.

Here’s your flipping team news:

Benfica: Artur Moraes, Maxi Pereira, Luisao, Jardel (not him), Emerson, Aimar, Javi Garcia, Bruno Cesar, Witsel, Gaitan, Cardozo

Subs: Eduardo, Miguel Vitor, Nolito, Matic, Nelson Oliveira, Rodrigo, Saviola

Chelsea: Cech, Ferreira, Luiz, Terry, Cole, Ramires, Mikel, Meireles, Kalou, Torres, Mata

Subs: Turnbull, Bosingwa, Cahill, Essien, Lampard, Sturridge, Drogba