The Premier League Twitter Match Reports
Little Big Match has sent his runners in 140 characters each. You can follow him on Twitter here. Image from Well Offside.
AV 2–4 CHE. Innocent-till-proven-otherwise John Terry’s statute of limitations experiment quietly enters 5th millennium. #sssh #they’llforgetsoon
EVE 2–0 WBA. Phil Neville’s charity rollerdisco ends in tragedy. Surgeons forced to amputate Fellaini’s entire body in bid to save hair.
FLM 2–1 NOR. Jacko-deifying paedo-apologist Al-Fayed unveils plans to replace Haynes statue with 60ft animatronic likeness of Chris Langham.
MNC 3–3 SUN. Banco di Manco steal march on rivals, promising City faithful at least three world-class beheadings in summer.
QPR 2–1 ARS. Confused octopus left to its own devices as Kroenke’s bring-a-sea-creature-to-the-match pep rally dies on its arse.
WIG 2–0 STO. Week a long time in football as eye-bulge punch-magnet Garth Crooks disappears in third person-heavy blizzard of clichés.
WW 2–3 BOL. Sack McCarthy, hire Lennie Small. Morgan, you’re a genius. Can I tend the rabbits, George? Just hand the fucking bibs out, Terry.
NEW 2–0 LIV. 14 years, £35 million, 11 clear points – what price atonement as Guivarc’h-buying pariah finally earns Toon’s forgiveness.
TOT 3–1 SWA. Neutral observer forced to point out best Spurs squad in 20 years still isn’t quite as good as worst Arsenal squad in 20 years.