Phillip Cocu’s Top 5 Abilities

Having seen Barcelona struggle last night to overcome a hardworking and determined Chelsea side, it was obvious what was lacking.  A fully fit squad? No. Mourinho’s spectre being removed? No. Not much more than to reapply the same approach but with more vigour next week? Obviously No. All the bloggers and all the football betting experts were up in arms over what could be done to right this moral wrong. What was needed was the introduction of a quiet Dutch master. The Phil Brown to Xavi’s Sam Allardyce: Mr Phillip Cocu.

Here’s what they were missing:

1. Phillip Cocu is Dutch.

Is Victor Valdes Dutch? No. Is Carles Puyol Dutch? No. Is Xavi Dutch? Is Iniesta Dutch? Is Messi Dutch? Is Pedro Dutch? Is Ibrahim Affelay Dutch? Is Pep ‘Pep’ Guardiola Dutch? No. Of course not. If you look through the history books, BBC databases, or the wider web, a terrifying and unknown fact makes itself apparent. Phillip Cocu is the only Dutch man in the World. It scared the effing ess out of me too.

2. Phillip Cocu is a midfielder.

I hear what you’re saying, really I do. Xavi, Iniesta, Mascherano, Busquets, Keita and Fabregas, they’re all midfielders. But are they actually midfielders? Really? Look again. Exactly, none of them are midfielders. On closer inspection, all of the Barcelona so-called ‘midfielders’ are actually UNICEF-assembled pansexual elastic band balls imbued with sophisticated kinetic energy. They walk like midfielders, they talk like midfielders, but actually they’re just almost magical perishable rubber matter.  Phillip Cocu isn’t.  Phillip Cocu is a midfielder.

3. Phillip Cocu’s hair.

Is it styled? Is it greasy? It’s a magnificent combination of the two, distracting from his mercurial ability to basically do what you’d expect.

4. He’s Frank de Boer.

Sorry, no. He’s Phillip Cocu.

5. He refuses to believe that Chelsea exist.

You might have seen a hint of fear, or at least a mental block, in the eyes of Barcelona’s players last night. Manchester United, above Chelsea in the league, hold little sway in the minds of the Nou Camp’s finest. They’ve dealt with them twice, and they’ll be confident of dealing with them whenever they meet next. Chelsea, though, are different.  Beat them or not, they’re a mentally draining opponent. Barcelona couldn’t resist that last night, nor could they break it down sufficiently.  Not Phillip Cocu though. Here’s why – here’s an exclusive quotation.

FCF: ‘Phillip, who are Chelsea?’

Phillip Cocu: ‘Pardon?’

Proof, if proof be need be, that he’s not scared.

Fin.