The Twitter Match Reports

All the games summed up in 140 characters, by Little Big Match.

ARS 0–0 CHE. Perma-prostrate Ivorian Lazarus fails to recover from midweek cervix dislocation in time to make bench.

AV 0–0 SUN. Deranged bench-worrier Heskey keeps low profile, berating toad’s anus with homemade fireworks and masturbating near a wheelchair.

BLB 2–0 NOR. Feed the Yak and he will eat. Butter-necked Nigerian flabalanche swallows own back in Dadaist tale of gluttony.

BOL 1–1 SWA. The mong-face I’m pulling is for the 5-live phone-in Gooner who bellowed “replace Wenger with Coyle NOW!” a few months ago.

FLM 2–1 WIG. Does Clint Dempsey wear eyeliner? Because his eyes are STUNNING. I’d give my right nut just to prod my left one in those badboys.

NEW 3–0 STO. Mike Ashley forced to sell Toon’s Champion’s League berth to Kings of Leon after near-fatal allergic reaction to stability.

QPR 1–0 TOT. Mel Gibson found nesting in Nipknapp’s pubes after slipshod Yids quack treats gaffer’s cock sores with anti-Semitic disinfectant.

MNU 4–4 EVE. Unrepentant goitre-nosed hypocrite’s Master of Acceptable Exaggeration fails to appear at weekly Ethical Finagling seminar. Odd.

LIV 0–1 WBA. Devout fan-respecter Dalglish shows humble deference by charging Anfield faithful £40 each to watch him waggle a stickless turd.

WW 0–2 MNC. Tearful Moxey finally admits it couldn’t have gone worse if he’d handed the job to a miscarriage floating in a shit-filled ditch.