The Twitter Match Reports
We’re all going straight to Hell.
CHE 2–1 BLB. Nurse saves life, earns pittance. Self-serving gonad kicks ball, earns millions. #ignorethedisparity&
EVE 3–1 NEW. Scenes of malnourished delirium as impoverished thespocracy crowned Least Shit Team on Miseryside. #youfinished7th
MNC 3–2 QPR. Title goes tantric as last-gasp stunt cock Kun’s money shot finally brings 44 year-long blue movie to spunk-drenched crescendo.
NOR 2–0 AV. Condiment hawking pagan’s offer village idiot Eck as human sacrifice to turnip-faced deity Lambo in thanks for glorious harvest.
STO 2–2 BOL. Shorts down.
SUN 0–1 MNU. Strangulated hernia in shit coat watches helpless as balsa wood Death Star implodes. #hairplugs #diving #reanimatedgingercorpse
SWA 1–0 LIV. PR disaster? Check. Ugly cup win over lowly opposition? Check. Awful league campaign? Dalglish the unsackable Souness? Check.
TOT 2–0 FLM. King ‘Arry’s crown jowls lose their lustre as best season in Prem history still leaves yids staring wistfully up Wenger’s colon.
WBA 2–3 ARS. Goonland in crisis as Rice quits! Oh, they’ve asked Steve Bould to sit quietly & agree with everything Wenger says. Panic over.
WIG 3–2 WW. Cankerous Connor fug spritzed in a jiff as Jez febrezes the fuck out of those boardroom drapes with the sweet smell of Stale.