Football Expert Mac Millings gets in on the Hodgson mithering
Fans who insist upon England’s traditional tactical response to adversity were, naturally, distraught that Harry “fuckin’ run around a bit” Redknapp was overlooked for the position of National Team Gaffer. And then the usurper Hodgson went and sabotaged England’s divine right to a trophy by not picking Micah Richards.
English football clearly has the players. Didier Drogba and Petr Cech proved that in the Champions League final. All that stands between England and tournament glory is the FA’s inability to find manager who combines the inspirational qualities of Winston Churchill with the transformative abilities of a turd alchemist.
If only they’d asked me. I would have provided them with this shortlist of the alternative candidates no one (and with good reason) is talking about.
1. With his unrivalled mastery of tactics past, present and future, bolstered by a formidable knowledge of the game as it is currently being played in virtually every country in the world, respected chalkboard pimp Jonathan Wilson is uniquely unqualified to lead the prominent brows of England’s squad of Neanderthals (the obvious exception being John Terry, football’s leading Homo Erectus). On the other hand, the fact that Wilson doesn’t think scoring goals is important makes him the perfect choice to manage a team whose spearhead is Andy Carroll.
2. You may have noticed that there’s been a fair bit of race-controversy swirling about this season. Who said what? What was the context? Are Luis Suarez and John T[SNIP!] racists, or are they just ordinary people who said racist things? Fuck nuance, it’s too complicated. English football fans prefer things simple, in black and white (or, in some cases, just white). At times like these, they need to know where a man stands. And when it comes to racism, few are as plain-spoken as Big Ron Atkinson.
3. She may be a goat-bicepsed old trollop with a neck like a Gila monster’s scrotum, but Madonna has proven that she fulfils two of the key qualifications for being England manager – making an ineffectual noise at half time that has precisely no positive effect on the game, and adopting a ludicroush version of the local accshent immediately upon arrival in a new land.
4. Dead Brian Clough. Known, during his lifetime, as a proponent of pleasingly fluid football, Clough’s post-exhumation-and-reanimation style of play will depend on whether he has discovered, in his time up in the clouds, if God has, indeed, put grass up there.
5. With more and more franchises being taken over by Yankee corporate vultures clubs being saved by avuncular Americans with a genuine sense of the importance of clubs’ traditions and their crucial place within the community, it is only natural that the England manager’s position be assumed by American operatives. Step forward, Senator Rick Santorum. Recently relieved of the burden of representing the hopes and dreams of a brutish, racist, homophobic constituency, who better to represent the hopes and dreams of a brutish, etc? A true conservative, Senator Santorum doesn’t believe in evolution or progress. Perfect.
Opportunities squandered. Still, with their Hodgson’s choice, the FA have hired a man with a recent track record of getting disproportionately impressive results out of squads with considerably less talent than the opposition. Sounds good. All he needs is for the England squad to be humble enough to realise the truth about themselves. Oh.
Follow the grotesque Mac Millings on Twitter here.