WHAT’S GOING ON?
Are the Euro 2012s a shadowy conspiracy?
The Bilderberg Group. A shadowy cabal of the politico-economic elite? A harmless though unusually shy business conference? A misheard and misunderstood gathering of Build-A-Bear enthusiasts? Nobody knows … until now. An unprecedented lapse of security during the last conference in Chantilly has resulted in the FCF gaining access to a number of documents that would normally never see the light of day.
The documents, handwritten by various of the clerical staff employed by the Group, have been verified by experts, and taken together clearly show that while the world’s elite do spend some time plotting the future course of world events, and some time divvying up the planet’s resources, what occupies most of their time is gambling. And in particular, gambling on football games.
We’re not talking about your standard, everyday, man-in-the-street style gambling, though; this isn’t a world of accumulators, first-goalscorers, and the like. These are powerful people, and the bets are perhaps closer to forfeits. The representatives of the opposing countries each lay a stake against one another, and then await the outcome with interest and trepidation. The FCF has acquired a copy of the forfeits lain by European leaders on the forthcoming championships in Poland and Ukraine.
Some of the bets are entertainingly personal, if a touch stereotypical. For instance, if France beat England in the opening game of Group D, then George Osborne will be required to deliver his next budget in Franglais, with string of onions looped around his neck, and he will have to include least one policy cutting the duty on imported cheese. An England win, however, will require Francois Hollande to fly a pristine white flag from the Eiffel Tower for six months, and to serve nothing but warm Carling at his next birthday party.
Others take a more historical approach. A Portuguese victory over Denmark will see the credit for the Danish pastry officially passed to the Iberian nation, while a Danish win will see the University of Lisbon announce — presumably with some regret — that Magellan was in fact a blonde-haired, blue-eyed, heavily bearded Norseman, who set off around the world not in a caravel but a longboat. Spain and the Republic of Ireland have placed the genealogies of Miguel de Cervantes and James Joyce on their group clash, while should France and Germany meet at any stage, Johnny Halliday and David Hasselhoff are on the line.
But perhaps the most remarkable is the deal struck between Chancellor Angela Merkel and the representative from Greece, who in the absence of any sort of functional goverment could only send synth-maven Vangelis. According to well-placed sources, Vangelis and Merkel initially got on quite well, but their relationship soured when Merkel cast undiplomatic aspersions on the quality of the Bladerunner soundtrack. A heated argument ensued, which means that if Greece and Germany meet — and they could do so either in the second round or the final — it could very well be the most significant football match in history.
If Greece win, then the two countries will literally swap economies. All debts, assets, companies, and other associated entities will be repatriated from one to the other — Switzerland has agreed to act as broker — and the ownership of all natural resources will change hands, regardless of the boundaries in which they sit.
The Germans, though, would start any game as strong favourites, and the counter-wager is if anything even more significant. Should Greece lose, thousands of tonnes of explosives will be planted along the Greek border. Their detonation will first weaken, then sever, Greece’s attachment to Europe. And once the smoke has cleared, burly German soldiers wielding large hickory poles will push Greece out into the Mediterranean ocean, and out of the Eurozone — and the continent — for good.
Of course, Greece and Germany may yet avoid one another. But as you watch the Euros, rest assured that something bigger than simple pride and a sense of sporting prowess and national worth. All that time you thought you wasted caring about football? All that overblown pageantry and hyperbolic build-up? Not a waste, not overblown, and by no means hyperbolic. We didn’t know it, but it turns out to have secretly mattered all along.
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