18 Things Xavi Does Instead of Kissing Girls

1. Watches and rewatches every game of football ever recorded, including cell camera footage of fat Americans playing five a sides.

2. Plays Chronotrigger on his mint condition Super Nintendo.

3. Flies kites with aviation goggles on.

4. Shaves his chest to allow for a smoother surface for his stethoscope. Records his resting heart rate and graphs the data compared to his current hair length, accurate to the millimeter.

5. Fries quail eggs.

6. Breeds furbies.

7. Wipes the feces off of Sergio Busquets’ hands. Calmly and directly shows him how to wipe for the seven hundredth time. Begins to suspect Busquets is playing dumb and just likes having poopy hands.

8. Mocks an image of Jamie Carragher he cut out of a newspaper and hung on his refrigerator.

9. Rides a unicycle.

10. Calls his mother on the telephone just to see what she’s doing, and if she needs any help changing lightbulbs later.

11. Calls Gerard Pique and asks if he can change the exceptionally high lightbulbs in his mother’s house.

12. Designs miniature trebuchets.

13. Needlepoint stitching.

14. Calls his mother to ask how his grandmother smiled.

15. Shaves.

16. Creates a working replica of the Wright Brothers’ first plane.

17. Calls Pep to ask about the health and happiness of his mother.

18. Presses his finger to the humming pane of glass that separates him from the beautiful women on the TV screen while desperately wondering how full he’d feel in their embrace.

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photo via Andres Iniesta’s facebook photos.